Morning Radio @ Cool Hot Hunter Magazine Please Hear What Im Not Saying Dont be fooled by me. Dont be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that Im afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art thats second nature with me, but dont be fooled, for Gods sake dont be fooled. I give you the impression that Im secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the waters calm and Im in command and that I need no one, but dont believe me. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I dont want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed. Thats why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it. That is, if its followed by acceptance, if its followed by love. Its the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. Its the only thing that will assure me of what I cant assure myself, that Im really worth something. But I dont tell you this. I dont dare to, Im afraid to. Im afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. Im afraid youll think less of me, that youll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. Im afraid that deep-down Im nothing and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything thats really nothing, and nothing of whats everything, of whats crying within me. So when Im going through my routine do not be fooled by what Im saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what Im not saying, what Id like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I cant say. I dont like hiding. I dont like playing superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me but youve got to help me. Youve got to hold out your hand even when thats the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time youre kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings-- very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings! With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator-- of the person that is me if you choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic, from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. Its irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet. Charles C. Finn September 1966
Posted on: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 09:11:13 +0000
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