Most of my days are the same. I smile and go to work but Im consumed with grief and guilt and emptiness. However, in all of this I keep trying to ask myself what I can take from this to survive, to make myself a better person? What can I share with others that is meaningful and will honor my son? Im scared everyday that I will behave in a way that will make his life less important, that I will dishonor the love and confidence he had in me - he without a doubt thought I was a good person. I keep thinking about the kind of person I raised. He was honest - sometimes brutally. He never pretended to be what he wasnt. He was confident and brave - so much more so than I think I ever was or could ever be. He was so loving - so intensely loving. He loved with all his heart and when he talked with you he had a way of letting you know that you were the only person that mattered at that very moment. He was thoughful amd sweet and silly and funny. I said before that my new rule was to say what you need to say. Do not hold back. I told my son I loved him countless times, but did I say it enough? Can you ever say those words to someone enough? Im working out of town today so after work I went to Walmart to get a little food - eating out gets boring after a while, believe it or not. I didnt get much, one bag. Upon leaving the parking lot a man stood on the corner and I looked long enough to read that his cardboard sign said NEED WORK. My first thought in those few seconds was I dont have a job to give this man. My second thought was I wonder what happened that put him in this situation. My third thought was Im sure he could use a hot meal. I drove on. That thought kept coming back up. I drove past the apartment I stay at. I kept driving and looped back around and thru the drive thru of KFC. I just kept thinking Stop holding back! Say what you need to say! Dont be scared to do the right thing or say the right thing when it comes to others! I went back to Walmart and told that man that I couldnt give him a job but I thought he could use a hot meal. Say what you need to say. Do what your heart tells you is important. Dont be so afraid. There is always someone who needs fried chicken, coleslaw, mac n cheese and a biscuit and there is always someone who can give that to them. In your life, I promise, you will be both at some point. Christian would have been proud. He probably would have asked why it took me so long.
Posted on: Tue, 21 Jan 2014 02:33:46 +0000