My Diary of How To Hold On To An Electric Fence The title is just to grab your attention!! I’m writing this in hopes to encourage those who suffer with this or have loved ones, friends or family who experience this. Night 1,000,000 and one: Dear Diary, I awoke this morning at 3 a.m. again out of a sound sleep. Nothing on my mind, no worries or thoughts or dreams awoke me, just the feeling of adrenaline coursing through my veins at a hundred miles an hour. My chest is tight, my arms are numb and I am finding it hard to breathe. But this is not new; I go through this every night. So I laid there and just let my body do what it has to do to get through this. I do some breathing exercises to help slow down my heart rate and pray “I know you see me Lord and I’m ok” Mean while every 30 seconds a round of adrenaline is dumped. It feels very much like I’m hanging onto a pulsating electric fence. Zap, Zap, Zap only I can’t let the wire go. (Just for fun try that so you can get the full experience) Knowing that I am not dying eventually things subside and I fall back to sleep, for awhile. A few hours later the moment I am awakened by what ever noise, my heart immediately races and the adrenaline flows again. I want to avoid the Zap, Zap, Zap so I get up. I go downstairs and get my coffee, which is half café because high test would put me right over the edge first thing in the morning. I try to keep myself busy, making my husbands lunch, doing the horses etc. But sometimes even then, the anxiety is overwhelming and I end up in a puddle trying to execute the everyday mundane things I have to accomplish. My husband lovingly tells me everything is ok and hugs me and kisses me and he leaves for work. He knows that I will be fine, he’s used to seeing me in tears and not having any explanation other then my anxiety is high today. I reassure him that I am fine, just my body betraying me again….. “I have decided I have declared, to wait upon the Lord” I refuse to let this define me as a person it merely explains a piece of me that God is working out and through. I refuse to be labeled anxiety ridden; I am merely experiencing a malfunction of my body chemistry. I refuse to let it control my life. I will continue to get up every morning, do my chores, drive, and go to work and LOVE MY GOD! For what the enemy has meant for my harm God will and has turned to my good.
Posted on: Thu, 29 Aug 2013 14:06:54 +0000
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