My childhood was perfect. My mom was always around. We were close. My dad worked at General Motors long hours and went to school from the time I was little until he finally got his degree from DeVry when I was in high school. We lived in a small home but it was full and I never needed of anything. I knew there were things I wanted and couldnt have but it wasnt bad. It was life. I played with animals. I searched the neighborhood on my bike for playmates and critters to bring home. I was brazen and self centered in my youth. I hung around boys and could stand up for myself and fight if need be. I attached to really no one, but loved everyone. The pain of high school , the disappointments of failed relationships and my inability to connect to another soul confounded me. I rarely did groups. I liked one on one friendships. My friends were lively. I was ground. I watched them in wonder and amazement. With pain, my soul grew. My compassion grew. Working at Loyola I felt the pain of the parents. Their dreams often shattered. Prayers answered Id rejoice with them. I rolled in it. I worked as much as I could. I was addicted to feeling. I felt something down to my core. Failed engagement #1, I was disappointed but ok. Getting asked would I sign and prenuptial agreement and elope hardly was my idea of happiness. But I was young. I was numb in that relationship. I remember feeling numb and going through the motions. I never had the feelings of excitement flutter in my belly. When he cheated on me, it was time to move on. Failed engagement number #2, I felt his pain. He was a tortured, kind and brilliant soul. I was going to fix it. I was going to make everyone see how wonderful he was. He was void of life as I was. His inability to love himself matched my own. After it failed, I hid again. I have always been able to hide beneath laughter, wit, and taking care of others . Taking care of people is the only way I knew how to connect. My girlfriend Dawn used to pull me in. She made me feel by watching her live and she got me to engage. It had to be exhausting for her. Time and time again I would watch her live life. She was amazing. Nothing stopped her. She drank in life. If she was upset she would literally puke. I would sit on the tile floor next to her in our bathroom and I would revel in her extreme emotions. I admired her. I had by that time so any rules and excuses to protect my heart. I would ask her why? A million times a day. She would reply with a bright smile and twinkle in her eye Because we can! Once in a blue moon I would be with her and let loose but left to myself, I would close off again. I could tell her anything. She didnt judge. She was so special. After realities of life kept filtering in and out, I closed off. I have several close to my heart friends that I would watch live life. They got me out and I would revel in living. In 1997, Dawn died and Not even 5 months later, I lost my job at Loyola due to cutbacks. Surgeons didnt need nurses. Really? It was the only thing I ever felt I was good at. I was completely broken. I was mad that God took Dawn and not me. She had a family. I didnt. She lived life. I had long given up my fairy tale love. I got married the following year. My marriage was incapable of growth. I was alone in that marriage. We both settled for the sake of having a family. But somehow we were blessed with children. With the boys I changed. I felt with them. My life is a close circle of people I have deep love and admiration for. There are very few people that come into my life that I dont like. I see peoples pain behind masks of smiles and frowns of anger. I feel them. This journey now with mom has made realize just how blessed I am (I have always known it ) but that I have to start getting out there instead of hiding. My refuge and connecting is through my writings here that make me realize Im not alone. And it reconnects me to those I love, but can not see often. Lessons of life. Very thoughtful mood this morning. Putting pieces together.
Posted on: Tue, 29 Jul 2014 15:25:30 +0000
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