My diagnosis is Anxiety and Chronic Depression. Might be hard to believe, since I make my living in front of people. Right now, I am having a hard time sleeping, and I have an occasional melt down because of my fears. These arent like the sky is falling fears. These are fears that my children didnt receive the type of upraising they should. Fears my music is only being bought by people because Im a nice guy, and not because the songs are funny or the music is good. Fears that I havent seen people in a year, and they wont like me anymore. All unfounded, and untrue...Im sure. But they still build up in me to the point where I want to eat Oreos in a tent fort and never come out. When I get in front of a crowd--Im not really me! Im Friar Finnegan, and the people expect a show. They will get a good one, the best I can give because I believe the crowd deserves the best show I can put on. I get stage fright! Still, after all these years. I get empty seats fright too! But Ive learned to count the crowd AFTER my show, and not before it. If the jokes dont fly, I try harder. If the songs arent reaching them, I change the order. I wish I could learn to do this in real life, but it seems to be more of a challenge. There are so many real things to be sad about, and those affect me too. Loss, trouble, money, war, starvation, weather (geez, I better stop). But I fall into a pit of despair that is hard to see. I truly begin to believe that nothing Ive done is worth anything. Of course I know thats not true! I really do know that...people tell me all the time. I was called a Hero today by a decorated war veteran. But if I dont stick to my program, get outside, play music, pray, talk, eat and stay active, those depressive thoughts will creep back in. Im about to release a new CD. It terrifies me! People will actually pay their hard earned money for something I have produced, performed, directed, edited and placed my soul into. One little criticism can send me crashing, even if that critique is justified! I have to remember that some people have to critique, because that is a part of their being. I have to sing, because it is a part of mine. I will release this CD as soon as the production team can get it in the covers and back to me. After that, I will sell my songs, and a part of me, with each copy. Too dedicated to my craft? Well maybe you can explain why so many bad singers make so much money, and I dont. Its sad. Just know that I intend to embrace my fears and my sadness, and continue to fight this problem. I intend to tell anyone who wants to know, what its like--to be a funny man with a depression problem. I intend to LiveClear.
Posted on: Fri, 22 Aug 2014 00:22:27 +0000
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