My friend, my depression is a shape shifter. One day it is as small as a firefly in the hand of a bear and the next it is the BEAR. On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone. I call the bad days, the dark days. My friend says, try lighting candles. When I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church, a flame, sparks of a memory, I am standing beside my mothers closed casket, it is the moment I learn every person I have ever loved will one day die. Besides, friend, I am not afraid of the dark, perhaps thats part of the problem. My friend says, I thought the problem was that you cant get out of bed, and I say no friend, I cant, anxiety holds me hostage inside of my house, inside of my head, you say, where did anxiety come from? Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to bring to the party, friend, I am the party, only I am a party I dont WANT TO BE. Friend says, why dont you try going to actual parties, see your friends? Sure, I make plans but I dont wanna go. I make plans because I know I should want to go, and I know sometimes I would have wanted to go but its just not that much fun having fun when you dont want to have fun, friend. You see friend, each night insomnia sweeps me off my feet, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove light, insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like company. Friend says try counting sheep, but my mind can only count reasons to stay awake, so I go for walks, I stay up all night drowning myself in video games, I stay up all night making up stories that no one reads, playing with characters that no one sees. It feels like sleep walking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot baptize myself in. Friend says, happiness is a decision, but my happiness is as hollow as an eggshell, my happiness is a high fever that will not break. Friend says that I am so good at making something out of nothing, and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying, NO, I am not afraid of dying, I AM afraid of LIVING. My friend, I am LONELY. I think I learned when she left me how to turn the anger into lonely and the lonely into busy so when I say Ive been super busy lately I mean I have been falling asleep in my chair infront of a computer or TV screen on the couch to avoid confronting the EMPTY SIDE of my bed. But my depression always drags me back to my bed, FRIEND still doesnt understand, FRIEND, cant you SEE that neither can I?
Posted on: Mon, 19 Jan 2015 01:41:35 +0000
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