My friend wrote this not long before she took her life - it helped me understand why she is not with us anymore: This possible future of mine wit no partner and no children, is not the future I envisaged for myself. It is not what I would choose for myself either. but it seems that i9tis something I have to learn to accept. It would be nice if I had the first clue about how I go about that! I have reached a point where I can see that all over the world all the time people are coming to terms with a life that is not pat of the plan. learning to , live with disease - sudden poverty, with the loss of a child or a partner. So I know that this isnt unique to me, which is something. Advance ye soul! I think that I can accept. I am not sure that I am ready to make peace. and until I do that I dont know that I will be able to live comfortably. Acceptance only goes so far to create a sense of wellbeing in ones life. especially when it is kind of grudging and involves lots of flailing abut crying why me and so on...Hokay...sigh...So for the learning. In 2012 I made 2 attempts on my life - no sympathy needed thank you as this is not about me - I just want to share what it felt like - for me there was absolutely no other option - I had lived for 2 years in abject hell after Jordans murder - then on the 9th Nov - which is my birthday - my beautiful friend had her life support turned off after her failed (was it) attempt on her life - I then lost my home and my beautiful partner (Jordans mum) - I felt that life had been sucked from the world - there was no hope no life nothing - 2 years on I feel ok - but still struggle with depression - post traumatic stress and extreme levels of anxiety. I am alive and for many that is a good outcome - however I realised afterwards that for my beautiful friend - being alive was not going to be ok - she had lost all hope and in the midst of this she lost her life - who knows what might have happened in a parallel universe. My point is that no matter what we do - some people will find something to help them stay in the world - mine is Nelsena (Jordans daughter) - some people will not. Not a single day goes by without missing her - but in saying that I hold no anger for what she did - I am letting go of the guilt - and I rejoice in having known her for 20 something years - if we could do it all again - I would do it differently - sadly it might well have turned out the same. So to all of those who have lost a loved one through suicide - all my aroha to you - I am not spiritual but some days I imagine her and Jordan over there somewhere sitting around a fire - having a laugh - a few drinks - a joints or two - talking about a life the lives they once lived.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 07:49:37 +0000
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