My personal story- NOVEMBER 7,2006! an NDE(Something shared- let me know what you think.....) December 27, 2011 at 2:15pm NOV 7th 2006……ON November 7th, 2006 I had a life changing event happen to me. Some may describe it as an Out of Body experience, some a Near Death Experience, some may think of it as a complex hallucination. Whatever you want to call it is fine with me. Here’s my story of that time: Over September 2006, I felt myself getting weaker and farther away from myself. I felt as if there was a Darkness near me. Something I could almost reach out and touch or push away. My legs ached so badly that I couldnt bend them. I slept fitfully and was in pain all of the time. Most of the problem stemmed from complications from an earlier car accident but also doctors believed I had Systemic Lupus (SLE). I seemed to have twelve out of fourteen symptoms associated with it. Eventually, I needed my mother to drive me to the doctor’s office. I was given medication for my leg pain and something for attention deficit, which I have never had. I would say all of this would be related to that medication but that wouldnt account for things that happened beyond my control. I had seen and heard things that startled me- before I started with that medication, as well: things that are too numerous to mention, and things that I don’t remember in enough detail to write about accurately. I felt as if I wasnt going to live much longer. That the pain was getting worse and I wasnt improving. I just figured The SLE (Lupus) was caught too late, or something like that. At that time, I would have welcomed death as a relief from the pain. My NDE seemed to occur in stages. I was getting very ill but couldnt see it myself. Im over 40 and I had my mother taking me to the doctor’s office. By this time, my hearing and vision were extremely sensitive. I walked into my second doctor appt in two weeks and looked to my left and saw clearly my good friend and mentor, Connie, (nursing, RN) who died in 2002. I looked at her. I knew no one else saw her. In my head, I asked her why she turned from me. She said if she looks at me, I would reach out to her and die. She said that I need to stay with the living and put one foot in front of the other.” This didnt make any sense to me. I wondered why she made that comment about choosing to live? Later, when it was time to go, I made it to the van and waited inside of it. Although inside the van, with the windows up, in November, I was able to hear inside the doctor’s office. Outside, I heard helicopters before my daughter did. * When I went back to my parents,’ I only got as far as the garage. I was extremely weak and tired. It came on me suddenly and I had to sit in a patio chair the garage. In a few minutes, my legs both went to sleep, from my feet up both legs. The “sleep” quickly went up my legs, into my trunk and into my arms. When my trunk went to sleep, I slid out of the chair onto the floor. I had no muscle control to hold myself in the chair. On the floor of the garage in early November 2006, it was cold but I was more concerned about trying to get up and into the house. My experience grew more intense. At some point, I was aware of an accusative type voice telling me to “Just give up. Die. You know you want to. It would be easier. Just give in”. A friendly comforting voice said, “Wait for her. It’s her choice.” Only they used my name. I remember thinking, “Hey, you’re talking about me as if I’m not here.” I was pressured by that Accusing Voice pretty intensely. I remember asking the Comforting voice,” What would happen IF I die?” That’s when the amazing stuff really happened. Initially, I started going backwards. Like some bully pulled on a kid’s backpack and pulling down. I felt myself falling backward, as if being pulled into a muddy pool. I didnt feel like I could relax and let myself go backwards. I felt like I went past one “layer” but if I went through another “layer” I’d be lost. I remember thinking, “Oh, God help me!” Then I started to move differently. Head first I was now moving upwards. I stopped at what seemed to be three feet off the garage floor. And I remained there for some time. That’s when I started to see times of my life. The Accusing Voice showed me things that made me ashamed. I felt like I now had to explain my actions. Words that I said or didn’t say had more weight than some more serious actions. I thought actions were going to be my make or break judgment. It seemed very different in this debate or court. Months later I found this verse: But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned. (Matt. 12:36-37 The words said or not said were very important. I was also shown things that brought comfort to other people. Gentle words or phone calls I made that helped someone at terrible times in their lives. Things I was never aware of. A small nicety that I didn’t think carried much weight, had more value than I would have placed on it. Things I had forgotten were shown to me. At one time I felt like the Accusing Voice was winning. I felt small and ashamed. I felt more naked and vulnerable than I had ever felt in my life. I know that all my secrets were known. I was told, “Everything is known. Nothing is hidden.” Every word and gesture was known with it, its intent. Months later, I found this verse: There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs. (Luke 12:2-3) My brain knows that makes sense but things that I had long forgotten were shown to me. I felt small, insignificant, unlovable, and unworthy. It was at this time I thought of more of my “sins.” I directed my thoughts to the Comforting Voice. I thought of some greater sins that weren’t shown to me. What about this and that…? The Comforting Voice told me they had been thrown in the Sea. This didn’t make any sense to me. And again this verse: He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea. (Micah 7:19) I remember the Comforting Voice directing me to stand up. I felt like I had cowered into a small ball. I “stood up” and I was shown the good I had done. The Accusing Voice continued to try to blame me and shame me. The Comforting Voice responded with my defense, showing small important gestures of love: Phone calls, positive statements, moments spent showing small actions done out of love. What was I up against? 5But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. 6Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies[a]? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. 7Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Dont be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (Luke12 5-7) The Accusing Voice repeatedly asked me if I wanted to die. Was I “ready to give up, give in? You know it would be easier.” The Comforting Voice often admonished the Accusing Voice that it was “Lorraine’s decision. Wait for her.” I remember thinking, “Hey I am here.” I felt the pressure of the Accusing Voice. At one point, I finally asked what would happen IF I CHOOSE TO DIE ? That’s went things went black, completely and totally black. Then I heard loud static, like a radio between stations. Slowly the static became focused as many dozens of voices in prayer. I remember saying, “Hey they’re praying for me!” The Accusing Voice said, “No, they’re not. They’re praying for themselves.”I argued back, “Yes, they are! I ask them to.” I heard the prayers. Couldn’t make out specific words or specific voices, but I knew basically what was being said. The words overlapped but the louder they got, the stronger I felt. The Accusing Voice was putting pressure on me. It practically yelled at me, “If I can’t have you, then I’ll take your daughter!” I don’t remember specific words at this time but I was starting to understand that I needed to distance myself from this Accuser. I remember thinking for it to “Go to Hell! My mind thought of a few choice words towards it. Stronger language towards it than I have ever thought towards anyone. It was about this time that the blackness appeared to have small shiny “S’s” appearing all over it. The blackness rolled up into a wide tube. It was like looking through a paper towel tube. The shining “S’s” pulled up, like strings or cords toward me, then past me. One stayed by me. In my mind I knew that one was “mine.” Either with me or attached to me. I went up through the tube towards the blue-white light at the end. I saw I started traveling upward and over the state of Maryland, I saw several clusters of dots. Then I went over the United States and over Colorado, I saw another cluster of dots. I “knew” these dots were people who were praying for me. The people in Colorado had me confused because I didn’t know anyone in Colorado. I went through the rainbow. I don’t know any other way to explain that. The rainbow was a complete spectrum of every color I could imagine. There were solid colors. I could almost collect pieces of them. Almost like if Jell-o could be stretched out. It was “touchable.” I have seen rainbow light on trees since then and almost want to go over and try to touch the light and collect it, but still it’s never been the exact colors. I have never found the colors I saw, either the blue-white or any of the rainbow ones. I went into the darkness of Outer space. I saw the planet Earth getting smaller and smaller. I saw the Earth like an astronaut sees it. The shiny S’s that were now going past me seemed to be threads or lines. All went past me, except one. That one was mine, attached physically to me, somehow. I don’t know where it was, but I knew that if it was cut I was not going to have a choice. That shiny thread was my connection to my body or the Earth. I went through this layer or section and into a second one. It was at the threshold between what I would call the Second and Third segments of Heaven, that I was halted- at the entrance way into the Third. Don’t know if I would call them sections of Heaven but definitely segments of something out there. I don’t any explanation for why I thought of going through segments. This is a part that has remained a mystery to me. I remember thinking, “What do I need to ask? What do I need to know?” Instantly, I felt calm, peaceful, and loved. This time only the Comforting Voice was present to answer. “You know everything you need to know.” I felt like I knew all the secrets of the Universe. It was as simple as someone handing me a blue piece of glass and a yellow piece of glass, saying “put together, see they make green.” I remember thinking things around me seem to be “breathing” together, in sync, breathing without breathing. A steady, back and forth rhythm moving. Everything connected depending on another. I remember the image of a spider’s web. All points connected, perhaps indirectly in regard to each other, but a movement anyplace was felt all throughout. Answers to questions were coming as fast as I could think of them. My mind drifted to the fact that I had to make a choice. What’s going to happen IF I choose to go back? I had to know that what I was experiencing was not a dream. My Comforter told me of five things that would happen to me. “Things would get worse before they got better.” I remember thinking, “How could they get worse, IF I’m already dead?” I felt better knowing I would have reassurance and proof. I remember feeling like “Wow! God has all the puzzle pieces. I get it now.” My peace was even ”more peaceful.” I truly believed. I don’t have to worry. Everything WILL be alright. I had heard those words before, “Everything will be alright.” During an emotional and spiritual crisis back in June 1994, I had heard that same Comforter’s Voice. Now I was shown. It was like seeing all the puzzle pieces put together instantly and seeing EACH PIECES’ part in this world coming together as its own puzzle. Slowly, over time each of these pieces is completed and then placed into the large puzzle. I don’t know when the puzzle will be complete. I just know what I need to do to fulfill my part. As in a puzzle, one is never sure how many other pieces one will touch until all is done. The question was, ”Am I done?” I still had to choose. With the way I was feeling, If I came back, I would be in so much pain and truly unsure about how things could improve. I know if I was allowed to go over that Third threshold I might not have choose to come back. If the thread was broke, I would have no choice. I had one more question. What would happen to my daughter? What would happen back on earth? In a far off picture of the future, I saw my parents walking on together. Then, I saw my daughter walking ALONE, way behind them. I think she was supposed to be with them but it seemed that she wasn’t REALLY with them. I felt bad that my daughter might feel alone. My mind remembered the words, “It would get worse before it got better.” I mentally asked if I would be able to go back to my work. In an instant, I thought of “my work, my daughter,” in my mind, embarrassingly, in that order. I was instantly, unceremoniously, back into my body. For a few seconds, I remember some of my “secrets.” They would escape me before I could put anything down on paper. For about 20 seconds, I remembered how it worked, and just as quickly it escaped me. Although, this had happened at home, two days later, I was taken to the hospital by ambulance. Once again my legs were going numb. I started banging them on the floor until my mother came upstairs to where I was and called an ambulance. She tried to give me a drink of Ensure. I knocked it out of her hand thinking it was blood. I didn’t remember actually being in the emergency room. Later, in the hospital I was unable to talk. I remember thinking I was in Hell’s waiting room. The medication I was given caused me to have Parkinson-like symptoms. Eventually drooling and unable to make others understand what I meant. I knew the medications were incorrect and were definitely killing me. I had attended Nursing school until a car accident forced me to drop classes, eleven credits shy of graduating. Things were definitely getting worse. I heard a voice that said “My Annie will help you.” A pre-diem nurse, named Ann, was the one who gave me pencil and paper and waited for my note. I heard the mention of her name before she ever came to the floor during my stay. It took me twenty minutes to write my note. She read it and questioned me. I had written down the long medical term for what was happening to me, the rare side effects of the medications I was given. She went through a check list of symptoms. I had them all! She quickly contacted the doctor and saw to it that those medications were discontinued. I was given the antidote. It didn’t work. Even a second time, it didn’t work. This meant that I would have Parkinson-like gait and drooling permanently or it would quickly become fatal. So, this is the “worse” part. I thought maybe this is what is supposed to happen? I was accepting of whatever was going to come. During my hospitalization, my best friend visited me. I managed to mumble out a “pray for me.” I know my looks scared her. I knew she wanted me to come back to work with her. She was my outside hope that I wasn’t actually in Hell. That something might change. My mother visited me and I couldn’t have a sensible conversation with her. I tried to tell her, that I will get better. I was holding onto the date I was told. I only managed some odd phrases about “Superbowl Sunday.” That was the weekend that the Comforting Voice said the worst would be over, first week of February 2007. My mother didn’t know what I was trying to say. I had silently prayed that if this is what I was supposed to do and supposed to be like, then, I would willingly go on like this. (I never regretted coming back). I could barely eat. I had to spoon water into my mouth. Only small amounts of food made it down my throat. My only consolation was that I was able to read. My brain was working fine. I was inside a pacing, drooling mess, and I was positive and upbeat. So in the middle of this, I was fasting and praying. Maybe, I was not fasting by choice. I took advantage of this time. I hung onto the words, “…it gets better.” I prayed hard. Eventually, two weeks later, when I woke on Thanksgiving Day 2006, no more drooling , talking normally and stronger. I had planned to eat alone. I didn’t want my family to watch me drooling all over myself. My father wouldn’t accept that. He said I was to eat with the family. I did. Oddly, enough, although stronger, I still had to fight for my daughter. It seemed like that Accusing Voice meant what was said. She was acting out in scary ways. She was doing things that she had never done before; climbed out onto the roof, scratching her arms up in a would-be self mutilation. She was hurting herself and playing at being a cutter. She was scared to sleep in her room. We both felt shadows and darkness in the house. She was acting up. Was it from my illness? Where was this suddenly coming from? For three solid weeks, my father and I prayed over her. The last Friday before the “Superbowl” in 2007, right after my daughter left for school, we heard a loud crash like an upstairs window breaking. Going upstairs, my father and I found that all the windows were locked and intact. The small plastic cross that was on the inside of her bedroom window was later seen in front of the deck door around the corner of the house! That crash was the last of the “darkness” that we felt. And it matched up perfectly with what I was told-and when it would be over. All five things happened as predicted. None were anything I had control over. I came back to my work sooner than expected, with such a clear head. I felt comfortable in every situation. All traces of Lupus were gone. Friends later have told me that my daughter had changed so much in late 2006 and she had made an “overnight improvement” as they said. This story is the hardest thing and most personal thing I have ever shared. I have several things that have remained with me since this experience. No dream has ever stayed with me more than a week. My nursing mentor was THE authority I would listen to. If I had seen a family member, I might not listen to them. I might have reached out. She was THE one person I should have seen to warn me and give me direction. I had seen other family members, who had passed away years previously, while I was in the hospital. Several appeared to me and told me “Be calm.” “Keep going like you are doing.” I recognized everyone and knew that I was the only one seeing them. I did NOT respond out loud or look at them when I responded to them. One amazing thing that has remained with me is that later on, I researched some of what happened and fasting was the right way to flush my system of what had happened to me. Fasting with prayer remains impressed upon me as a very powerful way to be with God. Another thing that is controversial, but a sign for me, was Speaking in Tongues. I had an initial experience when I was 14 years old and it spooked me and I never visited it again. While in the hospital, I was trying to tell an acquaintance that God is great and helped me. My words came out in tongues. It has stayed ever since that time. I guess I needed some Supernatural reminder. I asked for something to “hold onto to prove it wasn’t a dream.” I am stronger in my faith and speaking up about my beliefs. I don’t spout verses memorized. I speak from the heart. Maybe that’s part of my work. I don’t remember. But I DO know that it’s already in me. “I know everything I NEED to know.” I guess the test is whether I act on it or not. I don’t expect to be perfect but I do expect my heart to stay focused. I just need to do more of whatever I was doing, loving others, or helping out in little ways. My daughter has changed. She and I are so much closer. Many members of family have not heard this yet. They may read it and wonder and believe it….or not. I can’t expect anyone to. I can only tell my story and see where it goes. The part about some things being absent from my life review because they were “thrown in the sea” confused me for awhile. One day in church I heard a song that talks about God’s Sea of Forgetfulness; it means it was forgiven and forgotten. He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea. (Micah 7:19) And the part about seeing people pray for me in Colorado, the friend that came to see me in the hospital had family in Colorado and they were praying intensely that I could come back to work with her. I kept finding, and continue to find pieces that fit. Sometimes when I’m in a hurry and someone wants to talk, it’s like okay I need to stop and listen to them. It’s a SOUL thing.
Posted on: Thu, 27 Nov 2014 06:45:11 +0000
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