My tests of strength are growing more difficult, as I predicted would happen. I am spending a second weekend night in a row, sitting around at home. Alone. Quiet, except for the distant rumbles of thunder. Our stuff and memories fill every wall of every room. I have convinced myself that he cannot see or hear me, so I dont even bother talking to him. Im angry at him in a jealous sort of a way. He lives in pure peace, free of the pain and stress that burden me every day. I literally cannot drive by our favorite restaurant without thinking my heart may explode. The firsts are always weird, and Im not talking about just holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays. The first time I steamed the floors in our home since he died, the first time I cooked this since he died, the first time I took the dogs here since he died. My thoughts change drastically. My thoughts of the present are not the same as the thoughts I had right after he died. And they probably wont be the same again in two months. I want to post pictures of us and normal things. Pregnancy announcements, foodie adventures, and pictures of us vacationing. Thats what is supposed to fill my timeline this summer. Not funeral arrangement info, prayer requests, and depressing widow posts (like this one). About two weeks after he died, I took the dogs hiking by myself and fell to my knees in the woods. I cried out to God for immaculate conception. I am not even freaking kidding. I prayed he would just give me a child of Wills so I could have a living, breathing piece of him for the rest of my life. Yes, we widows pray for crazy things. Do not judge. Last night I took scissors to my hair in a fit of frustration over a tangle. Snip snip, off went one inch without me even hesitating. Ive never even cut my own hair or anyone elses for that matter. Luckily there must have been an angel that was a former hairdresser helping me out with that moment because it turned out alright. I dont know where Im going with this post. I swear I dont do this to get sympathy. Sometimes I have to let it all out, and writing has proven the best vehicle for that. You know whats funny? I often ask myself, would I trade my life for another? I dont even stop to ponder the thought...HELL NO. When I looked down at the creek as my dogs swam, I used to only see the rocky bottom. Now I see the reflection of the sky above. Im okay now. There is a storm outside but these walls are held up by God. Good luck tearing that down.
Posted on: Sun, 17 Aug 2014 03:59:38 +0000