NOAH SPOILER: I urge all my friends and all believers to avoid this film, and to not pay homage to a filmmaker who believes the Bible to be a work of fiction. People question why I saw it, and my response is simple. I am in media, and want to inform others of what I saw, in other words, I wanted to review the film for the sake of listeners. This I do with every film that is tied to my Christian faith. I recently mentioned some issues I had with the movie Son of God, because it took liberty to rewrite Scripture for the benefit of the filmmakers, although it kept the death and resurrection of Christ intact for the most part. NOAH does none of this. It simply lifts the idea of a flood, and the names written in Scripture, and completely writes a new story. 6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters. 7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which [were] under the firmament from the waters which [were] above the firmament: and it was so. 8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day. The Second Day of Creation as told in Scripture, which I believe to be true, and therefore am agitated to the point of being furious that filmmakers who describe the Bible as a work of fiction, would misquote the Word of God, and declare that beings of light were created that day (angels) and decided to leave their home in heaven to help Adam & Eve, who were cast out of the Garden of Eden (but took with them the snakeskin left behind from, one can infer, the serpent turned into snake by God who had tempted them to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Adam took the snakeskin to pass down through his sons Seths lineage. The snakeskin when fitted properly around the hand wrist and forearm of the elder, contained a magical blessing for the younger). So the disobedient angels who willingly left heaven to come to earth were merged into the ground so that these light-beings were now encased in rock (and as all disobedient angels are, were now demons) but these disobedient beings of light now encased in rock with three legs and feet and three arms and hands were now known as The Watchers. They took it upon themselves to preserve the line of Seth, while warring against the line of Cain. Cains line however; overpowered the watchers so they lived in a remote place with the warlock Methuselah. The oldest living grandson of Adam had a sword that could start fires, a seed from Eden (must have gotten it from his grandpa) that grew instantly into a forest (convenient as it provided the wood for the ark, so it must have been a gopher tree seed) that the watchers used to build the ark for Noah. The watchers then defended the ark from the lineage of Cain who wanted to board it to escape the flood, that the Creator was sending down upon the earth to (according to Noah) exterminate the human race (after they finished their job of being caretakers on the ark), In defending the ark, the watchers (demons) repented of their sins and were transformed into light beings and were brought back to heaven. Methuselahs magic powers include a mixing a tea potion to help his grandson Noah dream a dream from God, being able to touch Shem on the head and have him sleep instantly, touching Shems future wife on her abdomen to heal her barrenness, and the aforementioned magic seed (way better than Jacks beanstalk seed). Noahs wife, allegedly Methuselahs offspring as well, also had magic powers and was able to determine from her special tea that Shems girlfriend, or wife (we never see a wedding or vows), is pregnant. She also mixes an incense that puts all of the creatures on the ark to sleep for the entire time until the ark lands on the mountain (yes, we know its Ararat, but the film doesnt mention this). On the ark after the flood begins, and after the battle to keep Cains ilk off of it in which Noah and the watchers do this by way of murder, Tubal-Cain, the king of the Cain lineage (who has killed all of Seths lineage save Noah, Methuselah, Noahs wife and their three sons) stows away, only to be discovered by Ham who eats meat from an animal TC killed, and agrees to a plot to kill Noah, the madman. Hams love for his dad wins out though, and he kills TC instead. TC lets him know as Ham kills him that Ham has now become a man. Shem and his wife and their twin daughters try to flee the ark before land appears on a raft, because Noah wants to kill his granddaughters for the crime of being born and thus potentially carrying on the human race through Ham and Japheth (Noahs other two sons). Noah finds out, burns the raft, and then its sons against father, but Noah gets to the twin girls, only to not kill them, as he things the creator wants him to, thereby becoming a failure in the creators eyes. This causes him to live alone in a cave after the waters subside and become a drunkard. Ham comes to visit his dad and sees him on the beach naked. Ham likes staring at naked people, as earlier in the film he was caught by Shem staring at him and his gf as they frolicked in the woods. Shem also sees his dad naked, as does Japheth, but Shem tells his little brother to close his eyes as they cover him up. Ham then decided to go off on his own. Noah reunites with his wife, and all lived happily ever after. The End All of the characters portrayed in this film are completely fictitious (disclaimer at the end of the film)
Posted on: Sun, 30 Mar 2014 19:00:18 +0000
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