NOW THAT SHE IS GONE… I used to be one of the agnostics or sceptics around who wouldn’t believe in LOVE or its existence. Oft, I scorned people’s dissipation and foolhardiness whenever I heard them say they “fell in love”. I couldn’t ascribe any meaning to love. Perhaps, because it’s a nebulous concept. In fact, to me, love was nothingness, emptiness, vagueness, absurdity and mere display of carnality in the trashcan of feelings. I’d never felt it towards anyone neither was I ever a recipient also. I knew of emotions. I’ve experienced it over and over again. Frequently, I drew from my emotional bank each time I doused into my usual solitude, which used to be my best acquaintance. Whenever this occurred, I dispensed every shadow of inflictions and anguish into ink. But, despite all these, two people stand out in my life. They (now) serve as the factors that change my dogmatic belief about love. The first person is my daddy who showered on me the aura of affection when nobody was there to tend me; he left earlier and threw me into lonesomeness. The second person (who is the subject of this note) is the ONLY lady who showed me what it meant to love. Goddess Diana, with her seeming modesty and virtues can only be a maid to this lady. She was a maiden to the core. She saved me when I was already heading for the cliff of unreclaimable misogyny which once took over my entire self and sense of reasoning as a result of the childhood trauma and maternal care that eluded me at an early stage in life. She was PULCHRITUDE, inwardly and outwardly. No woman (at least I’ve never come across such) was so saintly, pure, caring, affectionate, enduring, dogged, resolute and religious. If perfection belonged to humans, she was the only desirable candidate. She gave her best; fought with the last drop of blood in her veins until there was none; till rivers dried up, the oceans stilled, wind cackled, storm mellowed and sun set before noon. I remember the popular aphorism: “you can never know the value of what you have until you lose it.” I’m the world greatest fool; to say that I’m daft, inconsiderate and inhuman is not an overstatement. She wholeheartedly put up with my lassitude, carefree and lackadaisical attitude, disinterestedness, indifference, betise and nuttiness. She tried to prove me wrong and affirm the rare existence of love; she made herself a model of such. On the contrary, love was strange to me and vice versa, since I was kiddy to savour my dad’s. I was a toddler, fetus, tyke, tiddler and feebleminded in the game of love. I took her for granted, yet, she wouldn’t mind; I was so preoccupied and carried away by the strife to pull up the ladder, still, the solemn tuneful whisper of her care zoomed through my ears. I shunned her, punctured her humility, but she accepted all my foibles, shortcomings, and follies willy-nilly. She persisted until she could take it no longer. She left untainted like a dove resplendently clad in angelic robe. Unlike most ladies of this generation, she was never demanding. The only thing she requested in return for her love was a promise that I would forgive all those who castrated and destroyed my childhood. I was adamant – an ignoramus. I never knew she was already on the last lap of her race in this lifeless life and prison of strife, agony, excruciation and torment. After weeks rolled into months; just the fateful moment I was thinking of making restitution; the very time I was ruminating on employing the service of muse to help pen her virtues in ink and announce her chastity to the blocked ears of the slumbering world, that brutal and fierce incident struck. Death crept in like a thief sneaking into the vault of the innocent in fatality and sent her into abrupt unconsciousness – the cessation of life and muted silence. It sounds strange, hard to believe and disturbing to yield to the veracity of the reality. I shuddered in fear, guilt, regret, shame, pain, pity and bewilderment. I ran hither-thither. What a way! What a way to go! What a time to leave! What a horrible and fatal way to leave this hollow realm of malarkey, nihility, dissonance, futility, ephemerality and botheration. It’s deplorable and distressing to realize that she left exactly two weeks that God saved me from the impish claws of death. She shouldn’t have resigned in that manner. Such method of death wasn’t meant for maidens and paragons of modesty. It was particularly too severe for a lady who persevered and held up bravely challenging the tribulations posed on her way. Such Spartan and grievous death shouldn’t have clipped the wings of a courageous fighter. No!!! Not even when she was serving her nation after years of academic endeavor. Ohh, words would not come… I’m not in the best position to shower her with dews of accolades and encomiums. I’m not worthy to write a tribute in her honour. I missed it! This is jst an incoherent confession!!! OFETON EJIROGHENE ESTHER, you have taught me to forgive, and that I will do. You have tutored me to respect womanhood irrespective of my childhood experience, I’ll go back to everywhere I’ve erred. I blame myself, don’t know if I will ever live without this guilt; there was no chance for restitution. When I dialed your phone number, I expected to hear your soft voice at the other end, but no; things were never meant to be the same again. EJISS, as I always told you, I will never say GOOD NIGHT. No!! The shock persists. Dear, I’m more than SORRY… too late, just too late. If there is truly a place called paradise prepared for saint, I shall strive to meet you there. All Glory to no one but The Almighty God. But… DEATH, BE NOT PROUD; for you SHALL DIE!!! SLEEP WELL EJISS!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!
Posted on: Mon, 22 Jul 2013 23:13:16 +0000
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