NOW, THATS ASTROLOGY! ARIES: Basically you’re a dumb monkey. You’re impulsive, aggressive and loud. You lack complexity to the extent that people often believe you’re a fake. Many want to know what you’re thinking but the truth is: nothing at all. Your ability to oversimplify things is reductive, embarrassing and often totally misses the point. Your lack of foresight makes you look naive, unprepared and careless. The fact that you are utterly delusional about how interesting you are doesn’t help either. Check yourself, fool. TAURUS: You are boring, shallow and possessive. Worst of all you are the most stubborn human being on the planet. “Mine, mine, mine!” You scream as you hoard all of the Monopoly dollars and Oreos to yourself. Taurus does not play well with others. GEMINI: Do you have ADHD? Nope. That would actually be a good excuse for your complete inability to focus. You’re so unfocused that you don’t even have opinions, you don’t even really have thoughts, you merely say things for the hell of it and hope no one expects you to back those things up. What’s worse than your empty head is your ability to convince others that you actually know what you’re talking about. A master bullshitter you are. Friends often wonder, is there even a real person in there or are you only a robot simulating the human experience? CANCER: You are a childish, immature buffoon. Seriously, if anyone even suggests that you are less than a perfect special snowflake you have a nervous breakdown. Your gross misinterpretation of everything around you makes you self-centered as you victimize yourself in every instance. “Why me? Why me?” Nobody cares anymore. It’s exhausting. LEO: There is no one more delusional than you. You’re not attention-seeking, you’re attention-expecting. You actually believe that you are an exceptional human being worthy of more praise and attention than anyone else just for waking up and putting on pants this morning. You’re entirely shallow and the constant measuring of your self-worth by how many re-tweets you get makes you bratty, annoying and insincere. VIRGO: How can someone be a complete doormat while also being completely controlling and uptight? You have multitudes, Virgo! You only help people because it makes you feel good about yourself and your false pretense of altruism is really thinly veiled narcissism. LIBRA: You might be a sociopath! People like you because you’re a chameleon bending to their every wish, whim and expectation. A people pleaser to the end? Not even. A master manipulator studying your surroundings, a cold and calculating robot programmed to say the right thing at the right time to the right people. Perhaps the most obnoxious thing about you is that all the things that make you interesting are actually vapid, empty posturing designed to make you look cool. All style and no substance. SCORPIO: You’re a petty, vindictive monster. You project your insecurities onto everyone else, hitting others before they hit you first. You enjoy watching others suffer because you’ve convinced yourself that they actually deserve it and that you deserve better. You’re poison to everyone you come in contact with. SAGITTARIUS: People think you’re smart, what a joke. Parroting the slogans and ideas of people much wiser and thoughtful than you is the only way you can even hold a conversation. You’re not only bored but you’re truly boring. There is nothing going on in that head but cereal and so you fill it with the cool and interesting things other people say and do. It’s also why you exaggerate everything because nothing ever really happens to you in your hum drum life. CAPRICORN: Snitches get stitches but you don’t care. You’re a grubby, social climbing sell out. You don’t care about anyone but yourself and you’re willing to throw anyone under the bus to get what you want. You are completely selfish and obsessed with status. You’d turn your creative indie album into a dub-step, pop album ghostwritten by Will.i.am if you thought it would get you money and fame. AQUARIUS: You are so completely ordinary that you go out of your way to appear unique. Completely obsessed with your individuality to the extent that you end up alienating everyone around you because you need to be recognized as “not like the other girls.” You are so deep inside yourself you don’t have time for anybody else. Hope you enjoy being alone! PISCES: Draaamaaaa. You’re the kind of person who puts on their dating profiles, “NO DRAMA!” That’s, like, the tell-tale sign of being shrouded in drama. Not only are you a magnet for the melodramatic but your inability to stand up for yourself makes it too easy for you to get sucked into the chaos. You’re the kind of person who complains about how crap her life is without ever doing anything to change it because it sounds like too much work. You’re miserable to be around.
Posted on: Mon, 20 Oct 2014 00:53:54 +0000