New Rule: Human beings are such slobs, from now on, pigs must declare us the other white meat. Do you know that right now, there is so much discarded trash in outer space that three times last month, the International Space Station was almost hit by some useless hunk of floating metal? Not unlike the International Space Station itself. So, really, youve got to give the human race credit. Only humans could visit an infinite void and leave it cluttered. Not only have we screwed up our own planet, somehow we have also managed to use up all the space in... space. Now, history shows over and over again that if the citizens of earth put their minds to it, they can destroy anything. It doesnt matter how remote or pristine, together... Yes, we can...f*** it up! I mean, the age of space exploration is over 50 years old, and we have already managed to turn the final frontier into the New Jersey Meadowlands. You know whats up there? Old satellites, spent rocket boosters. Neil Armstrongs golf club. That canister with Gene Roddenberrys ashes. Empty Tang jars. Discarded astronaut diapers. Its over 100,000 items, my favorite being a NASA space glove, which, in 1965, was lost by astronaut Ed White. I cant tell you why he had his glove off... except to say that, in space, it can get very lonely. Now, the reason this is so worrisome -- I mean, the debris itself, not the masturbating in space -- is something called the Kessler Syndrome, wherein the more debris there is flying around, the more collisions occur, which exponentially expands the amount of debris, making it impossible to keep satellites up there. So pretty soon, we lose the cell phone networks. And then we face a world where teenagers are forced to send each other pictures of their genitals by mail! Of course, the other seemingly limitless expanse weve endangered lately is the ocean, which we are killing. Why? Because the Bible says God gave us dominion over the earth, which is taken to mean that God was saying, This is your rental car. Taketh it and beateth the shit out of it! Who careth? It is a rental! Did you know that there is now floating in the Pacific Ocean a 3.5-million ton island of shit made up of all the indestructible crap we toss away, the stuff that will never break down, like Styrofoam and old Clorox bottles. And its twice the size of Texas. Thats right, the Pacific Ocean now contains more white trash than Texas! Marine biologists call it the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, and say it is so out of control that it cant be cleaned up, and its going to be with us forever, just taking up space and killing wildlife. Like a giant Sarah Palin. -Bill Maher
Posted on: Thu, 14 Aug 2014 21:28:57 +0000
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