Not art related post # 74276482364 Matt and I have been talking about getting married. After living with each other this many years, we practically are. The thing is, neither one of us really wants to get married in general, and, I cant speak for him, I kind of feel like if I married him, it would actually be the only indisputable, unregrettable, good-solid decision Ive EVER made in my life. That would be my only motive really, to do something Im actually proud of. Is that a good reason to get married? Maybe we could be like John and Eva. They arent perfect but they are perfect for each other. Honestly, I dont have a lot of things that Im proud of as far as my life decisions. Even things Im proud of - my physics/math degrees - I wish Id done engineering. Friends Ive had, places Ive lived, things Ive done, the way Ive spent my time- I have regrets. Hes like the only thing that somehow, someway, I didnt screw up yet. For some reason he is still there for me. Everyone loves him, hes smart, hes articulate, hes creative... When he cooks, he even takes that extra step at making the food look like art. He adds that extra step for everything. When I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare (very often), sometimes Ill be calling out his name and hes never once complained about me waking him up. Hell actually get me water and stay awake until I fall asleep again, and until a few months ago, we always slept in different rooms. He was just my roommate, but thats how in-tune he is with me. He always has a different book in his hand, so wherever we are, whoever we are talking to, hes always able to keep up in a conversation and add to it. When we were younger, I saw him give his last $20 bucks to a sick friend. More than once. Ive never really heard him talk bad about anyone, he has this way of understanding peoples motivations, their perspectives. He actually offers insight to solve peoples problems, no matter how big or small. Most people just nod their head yes. I hate that. I can only trust people who think. He always makes time for people and he is equally kind no matter if the person is rich or poor, young or old... In my darkest times, I could always tell him the truth. Hes not someone I feel like I have to hide my thoughts from. I can be blunt, no need to flower my words. He never MADE me open up, or MADE me explain my past, it just happens with time when you live with someone. Ive always needed that, but nobody ever let me go at my own pace. I struggle with depression. Most people know. My mom broke my heart when I was a kid and Ive never been able to fully love or bond with people because of it, this sadly has even applied to Matt but, hes never made me feel guilty for that or pressured me to say I felt something I didnt. Hes never demanded anything of me emotionally, which is why I think I was actually able to get to know him at all. I recall when we first met. We started out as math nerd buddies. He was the only person in my class who wasnt an idiot. That was all it was during school until we both needed a roommate, and then thats all it was until I needed a friend, then thats all it was for a decade almost, and then, I needed more, and he just gave me what I needed. Never asked for anything back. Told me I was free. What is it like to be on the other end? The person who doesnt need anything? I have so many needs. Nobody who hasnt lived with me would ever know. People think Im independent, that I have my shit together. Im supposed to be smart and creative and able to meet up to high expectations from so many people. Its only been the people Ive come home to at the end of the day that realize how close to breaking I always am. Bad test score? Criticism of my hard work? A flaw in my carefully crafted persona? I keep my chin up until Im through the door and then its Niagra Falls. Why do you think I havent posted any new art? Everything Ive done lately has looked like trash to me. If it wasnt for Matts encouragement and support, Id never post anything. Unstable. Yea, I dont use that word lightly but its true. Im unstable. Have never been stable. I started self harming when I was nine and it never stopped. Sometimes I get so nervous I claw scratches so deep in my arms I bleed. Only people Ive lived with know how much I spiral in and out of it. Somehow Im just sane enough to always get the things done that I need to, but the lack of control manifests itself in other ways. My mom is dying, theres nobody hurting me now but myself. Its hard to make friends. Everyone thinks I have lots of friends but really, Matts the only person who I really trust completely. Everyone else is either safe or unsafe and I really dont want to test new waters. The last few years Ive grown to resent the people who have tried to come through the barrier. I dont even like people coming into my home anymore. Every now and then Ill feel compelled to get to know somebody new, and usually I just want to recoil. Matt makes me feel alone, which is exactly what I need. Sometimes I wonder if hes happy. How could he be? He doesnt have all of the insecurities, or neurosis, or instability that I carry around. Sometimes I think, why doesnt he meet some happy nerdy hippy? Thats who I imagine him with. Then I know that he would miss me for some reason. It feels good to know that youd be missed. Nevertheless, I wish I was different. What a rant to post.
Posted on: Sat, 27 Sep 2014 00:38:27 +0000
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