Now, you all know Im pretty laid back, and pretty upbeat, but in light of the death of Robin Williams, may he rest in peace, and how everyone is speaking out to help those suffering from depression and all that, there is something I would like to share with you all. Before I begin, I cannot stress this enough. I AM okay. I wasnt always, but for the past year and a half, I have been okay. This story starts more than half a decade ago, with my first boyfriend, Jude. He was everything, my world, every moment I lived was for him. One day though, it all came to an end. He decided I would be better off without him, and removed himself from my life. However, he did far more damage than he ever could have anticipated. This was the beginning of my six year struggle with depression. For a long time, I tried to find someone, anyone, to fill the whole in my heart. I clung to whoever would accept me, which often led to more pain. At one point, I even tried to run away to be with a boy who I cared deeply for, only to have my plan shot down by that boy. As I tried to find someone to love me, I soon began to feel worse and worse about myself. I always felt like I didnt deserve anything, that I would only bring others down, and that I was, in short, a disappointment. I would physically punish myself some days (I never did cut though), though to this day Im not entirely sure why I did it in the first place. While I was not constantly in this downtrodden state, I carried this demon, for the most part, by myself. Despite knowing how sad I was, how depressed I was, I always told myself that no matter how bad things became, I would never try to take that final step to ending all the pain. Then, on a December night in 2012, I was hanging out with my friends, and I was having a good time. The moment I left though, I felt the crushing feeling of being alone hit me again. Then, as I was driving over the Mason St. Bridge.... I, felt an instinct to just, slam the wheel to the right, and crash into the side of the bridge in an attempt to blast through it, and drive into the river. I caught myself the moment it happened, and it scared the shit out of me, and still does to this day. Thats when I knew, however in control of my depression I thought I was, I wasnt. A few days later, I went down to the local mental health clinic, and spoke with one of the consultants about my depression. I was so afraid that she wouldnt believe me, and think that I was just some kid trying to get pills or something. But she never doubted me. She believed me one hundred percent, and offered me help. I didnt accept it, though I did accept some pamphlets she gave me, along with numbers to call. She also told me that if I ever felt that feeling again, to come there immediately, and they would take me in, no questions asked. Fortunately, it never came to that. A few months later, I took my life back. I finally realised, that I have so much to live for, that I deserve to be happy. Oddly enough, it was a confession from a friend tied in with a joke we had amongst one another that was enough. It opened my eyes, and made me see the truth, that despite the ups and downs of life, life is WONDERFUL. On that day, I forgave myself for all my screw ups, for all my mistakes, and I took control of my life for the first time in six years. To this day, I have not had a single relapse into my depression. Yes Ive had bad days, but theres a difference between feeling sad, and feeling like you dont matter. While I was fortunate enough to conquer my depression, its not something everyone can do. Many people just cant find the spark to light their path, and there are even more who are suffering from medical depression, which is completely out of their control. I guess what Im trying to say is this: dont wait, because the longer you let it grow, the harder it is to fight. Dont try to take it on alone. Because the fact of the matter is, you are not alone. There is always someone there to help you. Weather its a family member, a friend, or even a doctor, there will always be someone there willing to help. And finally, dont beat yourself up over it. The reason I never sought out help was because I didnt want to be a burden to anyone. But believe me when I say that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to smile, to laugh, to enjoy life. So please, if you know someone struggling with depression, or you yourself are in that dark place, please, please, please, talk to someone, get help, because depression isnt something that just goes away. So weather youre walking the path alone, or with the ones you love, take the first step, and change your life for the better. Now, I know I said I dealt with this for six years, but I was not truly alone. There are so many of you I want to thank, particularly my grandmother and grandfather, Jan and Frank Reynard, my mother, Julie A Badgett, my aunt, Susan J Montoya, my friends, Dezi Shook, Cecelia Tackett, Haru Oniharu Yuzuki, Jordan Waslowski, Jessica Graves, Ali Jeske, Jordan Clayton Demoulin, Tia Pagel, Tim Macgregor, Doug Smith and Mike Meulemans, Brian Mcfly, Harry Sydney of My Brothers Keeper Inc., my brothers and sister, Gunnar Brown, Daniel Davis and Kina Isis Black, and, my angel, Jd Thomas Bilham. Without the love and support of all of you, weather I named you or not, I dont know where Id be today. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Thank you everyone, I hope I was able to reach out and touch at least one person through my story. I love you all. Good night. Oh, and Harry, I still owe you twenty bucks, I promise Ill get it to you as soon as I return to the states.
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 09:34:48 +0000
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