ONE LIFE STANDS: Hey folks: Is there an expiration date for stupid stuff ones done in ones youth? I seriously want to know. You see, I live in a small city where people are always running into the past 10,000 hip scenesters theyve had friendships, performances, and affairs with for the past 20 years, so the question is particularly relevant. If I could count all the messy break-ups, thwarted crushes, and weird vibes people have gotten from me or I have gotten from others, well Id be here all day, sister. So I want to know how long it takes before I get out of jail free, or I should let others out of jail for free? Im talking deep psychologies -- whirlpools of bad memories in the back of ones mind seldom-visited, but these turbulent spots still exist, years and even DECADES after the events on which they are based. I mean, I look back at people I dated when I was 22, and obviously we have changed by now, so it is silly for me to preserve an emotional portrait of what they were when they still had teenaged hormones, dammit! It is absurd to think that the people I knew at 18 ARE THE SAME NOW! We all do it, though -- when we think of our lovers and friends at 17, 24, and 30, and imagine they are the same as the day we parted ways. There can be progress, after all. Id hate to have people look at me in the particularly chaotic, manic, or depressive states Ive been in from time to time, and think: Thats it. Thats all she has in her. We wont bother having high hopes for her, because what she is at 27 is all she can EVER be. Yup. Think of when someone you have had a bad relationship with moves away, or dies of a drug overdose, or gets married and has ten children, or simply disappears. Its a sort of relief, isnt it? Something was messy, and it was never resolved, and the physical distance/and or departure of the person will never be around again to give you bad vibes or reject you or argue with you. Of course this is backwards thinking, a cowards escape. But all of us contain at least a little coward in us, dont we? I think of the folks Ive dated or at least had flings with, who never got to know me well. Some of them were one-dimensional to me, for obvious reasons. Some were artists I didnt think were as talented as I was, and some were artists who thought the same of me! Some thought I was flaky, and some thought I was a go-getter who cared little about feelings, and some decided I possessed strange magical powers. Some still avoid me on the streets, assuming I will demolish them voodoo spells or sarcastic quips. I dont want to be remembered in any of these ways. One particularly delicate gothic guy I dated in my early twenties will forever think of me as a floozie who broke his heart by running off with a hippie caravan. I mean, in relationships, especially young ones, we make a lot of mistakes. When it comes to history, you just cant win, so you shouldnt care, right? Except...what happens when five, ten, twenty years later, you discover someone who has broke your heart or someone whose heart youve broken is…back! His or her celebrity is on the rise, or he or she is in a supermarket line, or for some unforeseen reason, you have seen a digital blip in your message box or one a friends Facebook page, showing you that the PERSON WITH WHOM YOU SHARED A MESS still LIVES! You are STILL convinced this person is (insert insult here) but you for some strange reason care what they think of you. Perhaps you are worried they will think (insert insult here) of you after all this time, just as you are thinking of THEM! All I know is that these vendettas and awkward moments...these prejudices and clouds of scorn...they are very human tendencies and I dont have advice regarding any of this. I try to have a sense of humor. I remind myself that parts of us may have changed for the better. Shouldnt I give others the benefit of the doubt I would like to be given? (I wont answer that...my brain is too busy thinking catty thoughts about strange affairs and quivering egos in the night...I mean, I still have catty feelings about one-month stands from six years ago; I mean REALLY NOW!)
Posted on: Wed, 04 Dec 2013 21:24:19 +0000
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