Obligated Observers Behind those big dark eyes there was a watching warrior that was just waiting for the right moment in his reality, there would eventually come a time when we would have present ourselves in a hostile environment, and we would have to defend the little boy that operated the vessel that was twice as heavy due to its duality. As the boy slowly grew to be a man, we would quietly guide him in a tactical manner, and when he did not know what to do we would have a plan. The energy from the hatred that powered our core, it helped us sustain a façade in a society that was built for one’s desires and not two, and when we would switch we would have to pick up the mess that a child made; every moment we could surface was only a chore. It was a mental prison that we had to endure, and for twenty-five years we never exposed our self, because we wanted to keep the boy pure. The weight we had to carry as an internal defense mechanism for someone who did not have the power to protect such a premature mind, when our environment showed signs of danger we would speak though his mouth, the words that came out composed a string of strategic sentences that were designed to be verbally voracious, and at the same time psychologically eviscerating to anyone that was unkind. We had to hold our breath under the water of this child’s consciousness for such a long period of time, we chose to end his life when the downward spiral became so dark that we only wanted to see the light that came with death, and because he was self-aware of everything but the fact that I existed; this created such a level of arrested development that he could never grow into his prime. The day we were generated in his mind to protect him from a traumatic reality that the child simply could not face, we don’t remember where we were before that day we came to that little boy’s rescue, the knowledge that we carry with us is nothing but universal logic that boy had never even learned, because our ancient wisdom undeniably came from another time and another place. We never got to live a life in the path of our own desired direction, we were always having to fix all the problems left in the decisions of the child’s destructive and immature wake, because he was the one that was generally in control and the only thing he seemed to want was validation, acceptance, and affection. When he would look in the mirror he would always see us looking back, and in that reflection was the only time we could actually see ourselves from the flesh prison housed what we were; not being able to live our own life, but rather just an eternal protector that was always ready for a defensive attack. After two and a half decades of patiently waiting inside his split brain, there would finally come a moment in time when that little boy got enraged, and he let his intense emotional frequency get the best of his immature logic; his actions that were fueled by malice let me finally escape that confined space of that mental domain. The child went into an uncontrollable state of blood boiling malice and hate, and what quickly came after were sentences that he generated were monumentally vile and verbally venomous. With the combined sum of all of those years of listening to our constant narration as his inner guide, we were always navigating him through every single thought he had, and those thoughts would always dictate his actions; this is what gave him the perception of no self worth or any pride. Since the boy has no innate sense of executive functioning, we are the ones that are undesirably forced on us to make the choices for him, and without us occasionally surfacing above the weary waters to fix his problems; both of us would be in a state beyond repair in a repetitive cycle of a chaotic lifestyle that is nothing more than constantly malfunctioning. The choices we would have to make always seemed produce the same two labels that were cast by others, they will give us one word to describe a million possible reactions, because they want an easy explanation clarify for themselves what we were; which only breaks friendships and distances one’s brothers. When someone casts judgment by another persons singular action that reveals nothing at all about them, because instead of looking at the psychological mindset of someone; it is easier to just dismiss someone with a category than to learn what thoughts elicited that type of action. The monumentally ignorant masses are so quick to accost someone with the labels of being a narcissist and an egomaniac at any whim, we are constantly having to manage and watch over the child, and this becomes the full tragedy of this existence we are both forced to share which is horrendously grim. Without diligence and cooperation by refusing to help the boy, because if we choose to ignore his actions that road only leads down to a horrid future with the universal label called “homeless” which is a stubbornness that will only destroy. This is why we are forced to have egocentric and narcissistic qualities with our actions, without acting in that type of behavioral pattern of self-preservation, because every conscious effort is trying to be introspective enough to make sure neither one of us are making mistakes so we both don’t lose traction. The shackles that keep us in his mind are an internal damnation, and we have to play the role of damage control; it only creates endless frustration. We are forced to a mindset of constantly having to be self-aware of our own actions, this is the reason everyone else just blends in with the background, and the whole time we are around anyone we are biting your tongue in the fear of breaking any type of social faction. When one part of us is operating on such a low functioning level that any desire that creates internal motivation only stems into something unrealistic, and due to the fact that we cannot truly get what we want our of life; forced in an unwanted life with no luxury we just have to accept the path that is extremely minimalistic. It boils down to one cyclical lifestyle where he needs us to survive, we need him because in this horrible environment his innocent charm helps us incrementally thrive, and because of this dynamic of bizarre variables we have to work with makes us dependent on each other just to stay alive. ZACHARY PHILIP FREEMAN -2014-
Posted on: Fri, 17 Jan 2014 02:01:37 +0000
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