Oh man you arent kidding!:( When my mother passed away I felt so weak because I couldnt sleep,eat or do anything but cry so I ended up going to the doctors to ask for help getting through it. The fact that I felt like I had to rely on medicines to help get me through it? I was for sure not proud of that fact BUT in the end so glad that I went through the experience too. It certainly taught me so much about myself & the people who I can truly count on and trust! Let me say that in the past I almost LOST EVERYTHING to being out of control on medicine so this is why its such a big deal to me and why this story is important for me to get out on FaceBook of all places. Life is too short and family is to important to let medicine run or ruin you! You can go through traumatic events in life and pull through it ok if you have a support system and people who you care about and that care about you. Just dont FORGET TO ASK FOR HELP!!!!! ----True story----::::: The day I went to pick up my mothers ashes was one of THE WORST PANIC ATTACKS I have ever had! Thankfully it worked out that Michael ended up with that day off that week, by accident really that he was able to go with me and drive me & I so thank him, mom & god for that! Once my husband got up that morning I had already decided I wasnt going to take my medicine or anything because I didnt want to rely on it at every moment & I had to TRY to get through my emotions once again on my own. So the closer it got to leaving the more I was dragging to get out on the road. I kept feeling like my throat was itching & I had to keep clearing my throat. Mike said we have to go and get on the road so I was feeling very uneasy & jittery but managed to get myself in the car & on the way. That entire hours/plus drive there seems like a big blur looking back on it now. Right before we pulled up one of my moms favorite songs that I hadnt heard in years came on the radio (so it kind of let me know mom was with me & we must be getting close) I was right the second the song ended I seen the sign. Once we pulled in there I felt the tears building up and my legs getting heavy, my throat started closing on me so I took a drink of soda & it wouldnt go down so I decided I would smoke & try to relax a minute before I went in. Soon as I lit my cig Mike asked me if I was ready? I felt like screaming & running away but at the same time I didnt want to leave my mom in that building for one more second!! I managed to muster up the courage to grab Mikes hand & head in the door. It seemed like it took the woman forever to come out and help us & the longer we waited the more it became hard to breathe, it wasnt until the minute the lady handed me my mother in this beautiful purple velvet BOX that it REALLY HIT ME!! Mike turned to open the door to the office for me & it felt as if my legs froze or were made out of cement I couldnt move. Somehow I managed Im still not sure how, to lift my legs & head for the door. Once I got right outside the building and the door closed behind me I practically almost threw my mom at Mike & told him he would have to please put mom in the car for me. Once I got in the car it was like an out of body experience I was having like I was looking down on myself? A very, very strange feeling indeed! (I have had panic attacks before after my grandmother died they started up for me in full blown fashion while driving or having too much stress so I knew what was happening to me but this was something like I had NEVER experienced before in my life!) My brain was saying everything was fine but my body & heart was completely NOT cooperating and my throat started to close, my heart was racing in a way that it felt like it was going to jump out of my chest or explode. I couldnt hold it together no matter what I did? I was really getting scared but still didnt want to tell my husband that I didnt think we could leave that parking lot. So he pulled out into the highway & as soon as he did my body started convulsing in a way that I cannot explain if I tried & I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE CAR NOW! I started screaming to pull over,pull over & grabbing for the door handle, I swear to you I was going to jump out of a moving car while in an extremely busy 8 lane highway & I couldnt CONTROL myself. I HAD to get out NOW! I tell you what was only seconds for him to get all the way over & into another parking lot, seemed like an eternity to me! Once I got outside the car the tears just came flowing out & my heart was pounding & stabbing, jumping like never before. I was freaking out because I held my mother IN A BOX & shes in my back seat IN A BOX??? I mean I almost jumped out of the car while it was moving because I REFUSED to take the medicine I had with me! I was trying like hell to keep my emotions in check to FEEL & DEAL with what I had to for my mother but my mind & body just wasnt having ANY OF IT! I carry a little cooler with an ice pack with my soda in it on long road trips so I was able to get the ice pack & put it behind my back to help calm me down a bit after a while of sitting there I knew we HAD to get on the road because we had to pick to the boy up from school & couldnt be late. So we started driving again and all the emotions started coming back at me again when just then Mike pulled in a gas station to fill up & a bathroom break. Oh thank god because I HAD to get out of that car again REALLY BAD! Soon as the car stopped I jumped out & once again scrambled to gather control of myself. He pumped the gas & asked if it was ok to leave me for a minute to go inside & not even thinking I said yes! Ugh!:/ Soon as he went in I tried to take a drink & had to spit it out because it wouldnt go down, my throat closed again!! I had to put another ice pack behind me & get control again but JUST COULDNT this time no matter how much I tried, I COULDNT do it!Mike tried telling me already a couple of times to just go ahead & take the medicine I had with me but I wouldnt listen & kept trying to do it on my own. So I thought there was NO WAY I could keep going through that all the way home & that I NEEDED to get calm or I would end up in the hospital or stuck in Largo unable to get home! So I took the medicine but it HURT because I felt so defeated & weak. How could I not do this for my mother of all people? How could I be so weak? If not for my husband Michael Matthews being there & helping me through that day (letting me know it was okay to take the medicine) I probably would have never made it through that trip or that day! When it came time for moms Celebration of Life I was so very sick with a kidney infection and an upper respiratory infection & in such pain besides having other personal & emotional drama I dont care to put on here & was also happening to me I was starting to have another panic attack in that very morning as well so I took the medicine for the last time that day, I now very much regret taking it at all. As it turns out I was too sick & probably should have rescheduled it for another time but COULDNT so it is what it is & I cant take it back! It has been very trying & emotional for me since my mom passed away & thankfully I was able to STOP taking that medicine & rely on good old fashioned LOVE & SUPPORT from my family & friends. I just want to say thank you to all those that have gotten me through it so far & for continuing to support me while Im STILL grieving for her. Thank you for not giving up on me, for not judging me for having to turn to medicine & when the time came trusting that I could do it on my own again without the help of medicines. You all truly have no idea what it means to me! Forever grateful & in your debt! Just because traumatic things happen in your life and you need HELP it doesnt mean you are weak, it just means you are HUMAN! John South, John South,Theresa DaSilva Clinton,Wanda Thomas-Witfoth,Jon Bunn,Whit Wat,Tamjonkris Dss,Nicole Marie Herbst Goodman,Heather Herbst Gilliam
Posted on: Tue, 12 Nov 2013 16:36:50 +0000
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