Oh my baby boy...how much I miss you, yearn for you, love you. So Mommy has been a busy little beaver lately, so busy that I dont know if thats good or bad. Besides all the traveling I did with work, then my job itself keeps me very busy...its your Foundation thats keep me extra busy! Nicholas, your foundation is underway and coming along. So many things are starting to happen and we are so anxious to get this website up and running. We are planning the 5K run again. I remember how excited you were to be part of it last year. There are so many things involved. But all good stuff, mommy. I realized though that when Im not busy, all I do is think of you and then the horrible movie starts to replay in my mind. Those last couple of weeks and days before you left us. Always wondering if we missed something. If there was something we could have done to save you. I question why you were selected to go through this and there is no logic to it all. I just cant seem to make any sense of this at all. I was getting my nails done yesterday...2hrs to myself to sit and relax and what happens...I think again, I cry at the songs playing in the background, the horror movie replays. Dont get me wrong Nicholas, there are so many times that I smile and even laugh to think of all the things you used to do, the things you used say and how silly you were. Those times come in passing and thoughts come, or I look at something in the house and gives me those memories. But when I just sit and relax...it hurts. I dont know, maybe one day I will crack up (only kidding), remember how you always thought Mommy was so funny and crazy. Seriously, maybe one day I will realize that I didnt give myself that time I needed, but for now, this is what is keeping me sane, keeping me focused and keeping me smiling. I volunteered this weekend to help at a local fundraiser for this little girl in our community as her Mommy and Daddy raised money for The Childrens Tumor Foundation to help end NF (neurofibromatosis). You know what Nicholas, I enjoyed it so much! I enjoyed being around children, I enjoyed knowing that I was helping to make a difference, I enjoyed overall helping someone else. Helping other people smile, helping other people in need. My life seems to have shifted so much...to the point that I find peace with helping others. I could give it all up Nicholas, you know that. But we know thats not going to happen, because youre not coming back into my arms. But, I do know you are here with me. I hear you, Im listening and I truly believe that it is YOU keeping me busy. I am working through you Nicholas. You are my guardian angel...and you are the closest to God right now. So make sure you ask him what it is you exactly want me to do and he will keep guiding me to doing it. Make sure you hold me in case I fall a few times...I promise you I will you proud of me...just like you always made me proud of you. To the moon and the stars my love...Together Forever, One Love, One Heart...Love Mommy
Posted on: Tue, 15 Jul 2014 02:51:06 +0000
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