Oh my goodness! It has been a long time it seems since I have been able to assert my deepest sense of self, here with my friends and family. FB is cathartic for me if not journalistically therapeutic. A great value for one who loves words and meaning and soul. Authenticity. Im thankful for the venue. Recently, I have endured some genuine hardship involving family health issues. Ive had some dark nights these last several weeks. Wandering in the dry desert. Some of the most meaningful of experiences. But at the time--friends felt far and few between. Ive thought solutions were had, only for another health issue to emerge. And of the type that challenges character strength at its core. The kind that can prove you to be the hypocrite you always feared you might be. Satan vies for attention in the early hours of the morning. Disaster! Impending doom! Be careful! Danger ahead! Red alert! God. Where are you to still my soul? I cant control the overwhelming responsibilities. Is there no respite? Shame. Someone will learn of my inadequacies. Oh my goodness. Is that how I feel? Inadequate? Where is my self esteem? Ha! Didnt I share my thoughts on Christ-esteem? Well. Where is it? I seem to have lost it. It takes a lot to make me topple. To bring out the worst in me---to make this old girl squirm. I thought I navigated the stormy seas of my life pretty darn well. Oowh! Until now. This mire of ongoing doctor appointments! Phone calls, papers! Treatments! Do this. Try that. A new medication for this. Did you make the appointment for the sleep study, yet? Are you communicating? Using the Gottman and Gottman method? Remember. You have to have compassion for the human condition. His well being has much to do with you, so let me strap another brick to your back. Any questions? No. I forget. Yes. I had a list. Now its obsolete. Im sleepy. Did I vote? Where are the directions? To where? Where are we going anyway? Have you contacted Dr. Hamilton? When will I be able to do those observations? Go back to school? I have to make the meeting with the out-of-district specialist. A four day out of town stay. Well notify you of the date in which you can bring him in for testing. Later on: This is a great opportunity. You understand that dont you? I was talking to myself. Have. I. Lost. My. Mind? Did I just curse? What am I becoming? Where is my faith? This isnt just a passing thing. This is life and Im fully engaged and completely stuck at the same time! How is that even possible?! It isnt, is it? So much self doubt. I dont think Ive abandoned myself. Yet. Can I jump off the planet until it stops spinning? They said we could do this. Its going to be okay. It doesnt feel okay. Other families have gone through this. How do you do it? You dont give up. You let go....of a lot of stuff, she said, and you decide what is valuable. You decide relationships are the most. You keep working because they have to see they can go on and have a life too. What about codependence? No. Life IS for helping. So ask, How can I do it more effectively? Not, Am I codependent? Life is all about helping. Its the purpose. With a capital P. We are getting better. Life is just....life. This happened to be one of those seasons where the doo-doo hit the fan, and Life said, Time to get humble again. Time to grow up again. Time to learn an entirely different way to be holy...from the bottom looking up, baby. Youre learning how to walk all over again. How to let go and hold on. Recycling yourself. Hmmm. Watch how they do it. Im watching people who have done this. Very well. I admire you. So much. Thank you. Can I ask you to tell me more of your story? Oh my gosh! What time is it? What time is it not? Its never time to worry. Anymore. Its not time for anything more important than me, or helping, or praying, or relaxing. It is time to be happy. You can do it. Without guilt. Havent you suffered enough? Youve done this before. You remember. You did it with love, in tears. You did it on your knees in prayer with the dog and the cat right there. You did it in church, in meetings, in the street with hugs, with others, singing, crying, laughing, screaming. Hoping. Trusting. Believing. Choosing that life must go on. So. Go on. Continue to live your life. Tell the story. Its not the end. Tell them your story isnt over yet. It might just help someone who needs to tell their story too. Dont give up. Just let go. Let God. And He will. He is. More than you may know. More than I can possibly hope to ever know. It is more than well with my soul. Ill never quite be more than okay. But Ill never be less. Thanks be to God.~~~
Posted on: Fri, 21 Nov 2014 08:07:27 +0000
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