Ohhhhhhh. That helps. Even just writing a representation of a sigh helps. Who am I writing to? A perfect rhetorical question that reflects how I feel. Not in a negative way, an empty way... Drained. I guess it doesnt matter, not to me anyway. I hate writing in a journal. I still cant get my fingers to make the right letters with any consistency, so I poke keys with my fingertips. Where else better than here. The lonely bug could never get me, not ever. I kept thinking this all the time. I think it has caught up with me now. I wonder if there is something very wrong with changing your mind on life after being slammed against the wall, accidentally, and on purpose. I thought I was pretty wise, but the smarter I get, I see how little I really knew, or still know. I think this a good thing. I hope, because I sure would like to stop making so many wrong turns. I didnt think wising up was so much a battle with my own narrow perception that I tailored perfectly to think was a way to survive. Holy shit, Where does that even leave me right now. Square one maybe. I wonder if there is a higher power wondering if I will blunder off into the sunset after getting another square one, and another. I think I know now that I need to get myself together because not many are nearly as fortunate as I. I have to really think about that. Its feels like a punch to the stomach, and I feel like I deserve it. Its pretty messed up to think I never had much of an ego. Quoting myself - I dont need help, I would never ask for help. I dont really deserve it anyway. What makes me so special? I notice when I write things, the frequency I see the words, I, Myself, me, and I am. Never thinking about getting help, or taking help offered was a selfish act. I was turning into hate filled wrecking ball, but also to scared to let anyone close because of it. This hurt people who really cared. At the same time from my own ego driven architecture, people who were close didnt know me, and I blamed it on them. I was too busy being afraid, angry, and oblivious, that other people were being hurt just as much from being in my circle. Its a very profound moment when you can fully open your heart to your own mother, and not feel like a stranger after 34 years. Cant believe it took me that long, but what matters now is the present. Time to stop fooling myself. I can be my greatest enemy, or my best ally. Time to cut the shit and just choose one.
Posted on: Wed, 05 Mar 2014 09:44:18 +0000
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