Ok here I sit on a Friday night at home when I should be with him. I am trying my hardest to be so strong and its been a challenge. I still havent allowed myself to break down because Im tired of breaking down. Something my mom said to me is stuck in the back of my mind and for her to have said what she did, it totally floored me. She told me, Dont be too hasty to give up on John.(cant put the rest of what she said) Ya well at that point it was 2 day too late advice, I had already told him good bye. The 2 words I wish I NEVER said. I dont know exactly what has transpired in the past few weeks but I do know that when John walked into my life, he enriched it. I had not felt warmth and happiness inside like that since NEVER. The smile on his face let me know he was happy to see me, just as I would smile when I saw him. I havent looked at anyone directly in their eyes for a good 15 years, except him. Theres been some messed up, twisted situations that really shouldnt have, but did happen and I let my insecurities get the best of me and react in the emotional manners that I did. Im in NO way saying my emotions were wrong, just the way I handled it. I have been working on getting myself together and Ive come to realize that by being strong and not breaking down and crying, I feel a sense of calm. A sense of calm I havent felt since I was very young. It feels pretty dang good. Dont get me wrong, I have shed a few tears here and there but hey, Im only human. I will not lie, I miss him, I love him and I would like nothing more than to give it a little more time because Im not to the point I want to be with myself, and maybe see if we do have what it takes to make it like we did in the beginning when the outside issues really didnt affect us the way this last one did. He can honestly say that he 100% for sure knows that I love him and I gave my all and then some, to him and his children. I went out of my way when he was just recently really sick to go to his house and make him chicken dumpling soup and make sure he was ok. I went to Mitchell to get him medicine and bought him some jeans and boxers. I didnt have to do this, I did it because I love him. wanted to, and he needed it. I took damn good care of him because I wanted to. Thats what you do when you love someone and your in a relationship for the long haul. He is a good hearted easy going man and I love & miss him terribly. We had a lot of really good times together, more than bad. Time will either heal my heart or bring us back together. Only God knows what his path in life for both of us is. He joined our paths together to begin with for a reason. He brought me a guy that years ago me & my friends wish we could find. Hes my EVERYTHING as far as a man. He accepted me for me and didnt ask me to change anything about me (except the emotion thing recently) For once I didnt have to live a lie. For that I am grateful to him. I love you John Geyer and I do want & need you in my life. I dont understand why God allowed this to happen but I think Im slowly figuring it out and Im taking advantage of it. Ill just keep praying that it turns out with a happy ending, whatever it may be. :)
Posted on: Sat, 13 Sep 2014 01:44:20 +0000
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