Ok kids, have a seat. This is part 1 of a series Im going to call, Mental Excrement. Its like brain farts only worse, unpleasant to look at, and from my brain. TL&DR? Im dumb and shouldnt be allowed out of the house without a helmet and a legal guardian. That out of the way, lets start Part 1 entitled: A Travelers Guide For the Blissfully Ignorant, Yet Somehow Lucky. As many of you may, or may not, have guessed from my last couple of posts, I am no longer within my normal state of dwelling. No, Im not taking about that quasi-conscious state of being much akin to normal human life that I participate on a daily basis, Im talking about California. Or the US. Or the continent of North America for that matter. Yes folks Ive flown over the big blue pond (and BOY are my arms tired!!!!) east to Japan. Im currently sitting here, in my bright red boxers, in a hotel in Tokyo. Truth be told I arrived sometime last night. Im not exactly sure what the real time was, my body has since rebelled against me. It was sometime after the day star rose then somehow magically remained in the air until the very moment it was time to find the hotel. Then that notoriously bright, flesh searing bastard son of a cell phone screen in the middle of the night decided to disappear beyond the horizon, but I digress. Yes I had the glorious luxury of having an entire day to myself in a land where I can barely speak the most basic of phrases and words (Hello, Thank you, Im sorry, For the love of all thats unholy Im on fire and it hurts) and decided it would be a good idea to explore. Fellow traveler this is the first sign that youre both going to get lost and clinically insane. Rule Number 1. Keep a working phone on you along with an emergency contact or two and the name/number/address of your hotel. This along could potentially save your life. You may think its fun and games when a pack of indigenous children swarm around and past you on their way down the street but if youre attempting to find your bearings, youll need that info. Their brightly colored hats and incongruous movements are meant solely to confuse you and make you lose your way. Rule Number 2. Pay attention to street signs and landmarks. Lets face it, youre in a new city/country/town/wood shed out back. YOU do not know the land but thankfully, the street signs around you are meant to at least attempt to coral your dumb ass from point A (Hotel and safety) to points B (tourist trap 1), C (tourist trap 2), D (that place all those damn foreigners take pictures of themselves riding our sacred statues like donkeys) and E (FOOOOOOOD!! GLORIOUS NOURISHMENT!!!). If you are able to read/speak the local dialect, thats fantastic! Why the Hell are you reading this gudie? If not, well heres a pro tip. We all remember pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds, and purple horse shoes. We also know square, circle, star, triangle, etc. (lets not get into putting those pegs in though, that theres Master Thesis work) Now apply that to street signs and BOOM! Pattern recognition baby! For all you know, Sinagawa could mean Burn White Devil but you can at least remember its the first corner from your hotel. If all else fails, take a picture. That damn iPhone 5 you absolutely HAD to have to post pictures of the nasty crap you stuff into your sound making face hole takes normal, actually USEFUL photos too. This goes double for landmarks. Make sure theyre actually useful landmarks too, like the Tokyo Tower for instance. Dont pick out just one or two small shops along a street because the venues may change based on the time of day (I swear that was a grocery store before, not a Hello Kitty Tentacle Emporium). Some good ones are car dealerships, banks, schools and centers, etc. Chain establishments are often colored/styled the same as one another and make great triangulation points (Its the Family Mart in between the coffee shop and the Hello Kitty Tentacle Emporium). Do this early and often in your trips out and about. If done properly, it can turn a situation from Im going to die alone!!!!! into Hey!! I remember this street!! I was mugged and lost my kidney here! The hotels that way! Rule Number 3. Keep a short list of phrases handy and PRACTICE THEM Thank you, Hello, Excuse me, I need a taxi, Where is the restroom? All great phrases to remember. Have them written down (having a pronunciation guide along with it is a good idea too) so you can use them before you break down into sputtering broken English, crying and pissing yourself in fear. Unless you already know the local dialect and speak it regularly, DONT wing it. What you think might be Can you help me? Im lost and trying to find my hotel may very well end up sounding like My fishs purse has no nipples and that just cant lead to good things... Ever.... Rule Number 4. Check out sources of portable/wifi internet BEFORE you leave Some locations, due to their remote location, and all around low tech/simple nature of the populous (Im looking at you Texas) make this rule a bit...oh Hell Ill just say it, worthless. Others though, like Japan (HEEHEE!! Topical) are the pinnacles of tech and industry, if you can speak the language. Many travel sites and even companies are now offering assistance for foreign travelers coming to visit and even have support staff who speak your native language (No Swedish Chef, you dont put the errggs und de booter in der router) but they all have one thing in common. They expect you do take care of this BEFORE youre wandering around the back streets and alleys desperately looking for something thats not going to get you drunk, broke, or in jail. Rule Number 5. Check out the conversion rates for money and REMEMBER them. This one pretty much goes without saying. When you visit a foreign country and convert your money, you begin to feel like the banker in Monopoly (Ok Susie, you landed on Boardwalk. Youre currently a single mother on Welfare but the landlord wants rent and your Mortgage on Marvin Gardens has 20% interest so.....). STOP IT!! STOP IT NOW!! That candle may smell incredible and yes, it would make a great gift, but before you spend $50 on it make sure you can afford it and still eat that night. Rule Number 6. Understand what youre about to eat If you have food allergies, this is especially important. Dont be afraid to ask. Now, dont be afraid to try something different though. I never knew curried beef tongue could be tasty but now I know. Asking or even looking for places with a menu that has a description of a dish in your native tongue (HEEE HEE!!! More Topical) could possibly save you from eating something you thought was grapes and ended up being fish testicles. Rule Number 7. SMILE! Seriously, smile. Smile when you talk to someone. Smile when you get your food/water/fish testicles. Heck, smile as you walk down the street. The natives will of course think youre some crazed homicidal nutjob tourist but at least if they want to (or have to) deal with you, theyll get the hint youll at least be pleasant about separating their face meat from their skull. Rule Number 8. When in Rome... Its very easy to be the typical tourist and stand out like a sore thumb, causing people to ridicule you, say snide remarks in their native tongue, and separate you from your hard earned money (I put in American Dollars and I get colorful Monopoly money!! This machines like MAGIC!!). The truth is theyre going to do that anyways. For Petes sake youre a 6 foot tall alabaster skinned ginger in the middle of downtown Tokyo, but if youre wearing dress slacks and a nice button down shirt like everyone else, you can at least attempt to blend in. (Im a shrub!!!) This goes for how people move about as well. If people get out of the way of someone moving faster or in a hurry, do the same. If people wait in a group at the cross walk, crowd up. If they walk through completely ignorant of the oncoming cars with their turn lights on, by golly you swallow your cahounes, push them back where theyre supposed to be and WALK! They live here, you dont. They know how to get about cause they do it EVERY DAY. Theyre a lot less likely to walk head first into a dangerous situation (brain, meet windshield. NOW KISS!!!) Rule Number 9. Have fun Remember, you CHOSE to do this. It might be stressful, you may be a bit freaked out, but take a moment to relax, recenter, and enjoy yourself. Youre not going to hurt anyones feelings if you go back to your hotel to rest for a little bit (only your mother because you didnt get her something after she was busy being in pain for 20 hours attempting to give you entrance into this world) If you dont, well then youre just some idiot wandering around a strange city.
Posted on: Mon, 17 Mar 2014 08:25:21 +0000
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