Ok so more about those dreams, because honestly I dont even know what else to do with myself. The first and most important dream was that we were back at Sloan and about to be admitted to the pediatric floor again. Except I was the one who was the patient. I was on a stretcher. In a way, I was me, but maybe in a way I was Caleb? I mean I dont even know. Its strange. At one point I asked wait are we going to be inpatient? Calebs doctor was there and she said yes, because I need IV antibiotics. (Influenced by my worries of Banjo getting cellulitis?). We were talking to her about trying to get a good room and she was looking in the computer. I saw that the palace room was, of course, already taken. I knew I did not want to go to the room where Caleb died. Some of the room numbers I couldnt remember what those rooms were like. We got brought to a room which wasnt a room at all - it was a stretcher among other stretchers with curtains in between, not even closed all the way… far less space/privacy than one even gets in an ER. Suddenly our doctor, who had been so reassuring about getting us to a good room, seemed to expect that this was where we would stay (like how the doctors thought Caleb would be fine, until they didnt and he wasnt?). I said that I was going to look around for a good room. I got off the stretcher and was going around the hall, sort of on wheels like I was roller skating or something. I passed by the room where Caleb died, and I stopped and looked in. Doctors and nurses were surrounding the bed in there, doing a procedure. I dont think it was a code, it was calm - but obviously evocative of a code in a way. And the similarities and differences were fully conscious in my mind as I gazed in and thought about how that is the room where Caleb died and that is the room where I left his body under Barbaras watch and walked out of Sloan. I rolled farther along and rolled past a doctor who knew me and said hello. (In actuality he isnt a real doctor hes someone who has a bit part on a TV show as a doctor, but in the dream he played the roll of a doctor as well!) He asked me how I am or whats going on and I said something like oh, ya know, its my turn now. I felt very confused the boundaries between myself and Caleb. I felt like this was where I had already died. Then Id say to myself, no, you didnt die, Caleb died. Caleb was here and now hes gone and youre still here. The second dream involved me worrying that the stuff hanging on the indoors surface of the front door of our apartment had been taken down. Except in the dream the door was sort of in my old apartment, with a touch of my grandmothers apartment thrown in there. Somehow I had gotten word or the idea that my ex had taken stuff down and hung up notes on the door. I finally got there and saw that everything had been taken down. (Theres actually too much stuff there, and its not really re-done since Caleb died as much as grown since then, its an accumulation of stuff hanging up which started out so long ago that it includes the print out I got when I had my 20 week ultrasound with Caleb). One of the things that I worried about being gone was the painting that is hanging there, which Caleb made in the hospital with paint in syringes. There was a worker doing stuff within the apartment and he reassured me that everything that had been on the door was now safely put in a pile somewhere.
Posted on: Mon, 17 Nov 2014 16:31:34 +0000
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