On this date in 1961, one of the greatest heroes of my life, Yuri Gagarin became the first man to go into Outer Space and orbit the planet. I was supposed to hate him. I was 11 years old and American and coming home from school with printed pages in hand showing how to build your own bomb shelter (This given to kids living in housing projects) because those nasty Commie bastards are gonna nuke us any day now. Make sure that the cinder block entrance has at least two turns to facilitate the reduction of gamma rays. An 11 year old, reading that crap walking home from school would surely have clouded even the sunniest of days. Damn Ruskies came out of the local druggists mouth, liberally. Damn Ruskies. You take two of these in the morning and one at night. Damn Ruskies. Yeah, you probably wouldnt be needing those damn pills if it wasnt for those Damn Ruskies. Yeah, and make sure he doesnt drink too much of the cough syrup at once. Now, the Damn Ruskies are shooting Moon Men into space. Damn Ruskies. And make sure he eats before he takes these, Damn Ruskies. Right after we piss off the Soviets by upsetting their hockey team at the 1960 Lake Placid Olympics, they send a man into Outer Space. Trumps a Gold Medal. Even though he was a Damn Ruskie, he was a hero. He was the first man to sit on top of a kajillion gallons of rocket fuel waiting for it to blast you off to where no man had ever gone before. Long before Shatner hammed it there. Yuri was the very first. And afterward he pissed off some Politboro members by being too nice and smiling and joking. They wanted a more militaristic face. But this guy was like our guys. Handsome and fearless, like Chuck Yeager. Yuri was neutral. He didnt seem so bad. Sadly, in 1968, he died during a routine training mission when his Mig crashed. Think about it. A kajillion gallons of rocket fuel igniting beneath you. We were watching rockets exploding on TV all of the time and this bastard says, Strap me in, flip the top and spin the flint on the Zippo and get this thing started He must have had platinum, diamond encrusted balls. The very first to see the earth from space. What a rush that must have been. Hand salute. Ready two.
Posted on: Sat, 12 Apr 2014 22:46:56 +0000
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