Once again here we are at 4 am, the coldest time of the day. Thoughts are rushing through my head this morning and I am struggling to keep them all in perspective. It might have something to do with the two cups of coffee I had last night or the fact that I didn’t eat any supper, either way my mind is racing between this world and the next trying to figure out if I should type my thoughts out or run to Wal-Mart to pickup the ingredients to some of the recipes I found on Pinterest earlier this morning at 3am! Well, until hunger completely takes over my rational thinking here is where my thoughts have been this morning. They are very difficult for me to handle right now so forgive me if I seem to ramble or speak incoherently, you can blame the coffee if you like. I remember the moment as if it were a clear summer’s day in the dead of winter. Everything was aligned in a way that seemed like there was some sort of master plan at work guiding me towards an eventual outcome that was going to be equally perfect! I was sitting in the basement of our local church, Immaculate Conception church in Levittown, Pa where I grew up. I was with my confirmation class as we prepared for our Confirmation Ceremony. I wasn’t happy to be there as usual, but I always participated because there wasn’t anything better to do... Well anything better that wouldn’t get me in trouble with the Sisters. We were reading over a new song that we were going to sing for our parents called, “Here I am Lord”. You may have heard of it, it is one of my favorite songs. I won’t type out all of the lyrics but the idea is this, we are calling to God offering our life to him if he needs us. musicsonglyrics/here-i-am-lord-lyrics-religious-music.html Wow first of all, why does God need us? That is really profound for a 12 year old. But that is a totally different subject. But I was thinking about this pretty hard and I wondered why God would need me. I am nobody. I have always felt like I was nobody. There were always people better at the things I was interested in, I was never really the best at anything I did, or at least I felt that I wasn’t any good. Meaning that I wanted to be special, I wanted to be unique and important, I wanted to have a purpose that was so great it would pale to others around me. I was 12. What 12 year-old don’t want to be important and great and wonderful? So we were practicing this song and I took it to heart. Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord? I have heard You calling in the night. I will go Lord, if You lead me. I will hold Your people in my heart. I looked to God and asked to be his messenger. Stupid I know but I wanted more than anything to believe that I was given a purpose and what better purpose than to be God’s chosen one? The one to lead his people! That is pretty cool, huh? I opened my heart and I waited for him to fill me with his purpose and for a moment I thought he did. The rest of that day I felt like I was glowing, The world seemed so magical and euphoric I felt like I was going to be confirmed and that was going to be the beginning of my amazing journey and I was going to be full of faith and insight and love and understanding and the world was going to be perfect and I was going to be a part of that perfection. And so from that moment, I set out to learn, and to understand what it was that God wanted me to do in this world. I was going to do his work and I was going to be complete. Wow to be 12 again, the world seemed so free and open to possibility back then and I find myself trying to get back to that moment in time were the world seemed so magical and exciting. However that is not the journey before me. Looking back I have to say that I actually got my wish, I hate to use the term called, but that was my calling, that was the moment that I turned myself over to the powers that be and said, “Hear I am lord, if you need me...” but the response I got was not one that most people would assume one would get from God. My assignment is one that is far more difficult than just believing in God or doing his works, mine has been to uncover the truth that has been shrouded in 2000 year of dust and stigma. It’s a task that only comes with ridicule and skepticism and it is one of them most perilous journeys man can take alone. And one can only take this journey alone. My faith is tested every day, every moment and every hour and one must be vigilant and strong enough to stay the course regardless of the obstacles in the way. I have been given the task of asking the hard questions. Not because I really want to but because I feel compelled to do so. I am compelled to find the real story and the real history and the real meanings of God. All of which is covered with ceremonies and traditions and myths and legends and stories upon stories that are cut up and pieced together into a haphazard quilt of misunderstanding. I know in my heart that what is being sold as religion is not what was originally intended in the first place. I know that the lessons that are being told are not completely accurate and I know that anything that I say will be refuted because all of it, my side and their side is subjective and often defended with the saying, “To each their own.” But that is not the truth, there is a definite answer to the greater purpose, there are ways to find the righteousness of God in this world and while I do not know what those might be right at this moment, I am at least on the path to figure them out. So let me pose these questions to you, what if God has called you in the night? What if he is speaking to you right now in the thoughts that wonder through your head as you read what I have typed? What if that glimpse of an idea that flashed in your head wasn’t just a subconscious remnant that was sparked by some environmental trigger? What if that spark regardless of trigger, was the divine’s way of spurring you into thought or into action? What if that spark is your one unique piece of the greater mosaic that is God? The calling for each person is different and it happens to everyone regardless of faith or association, we hear it differently, we justify it as best we can given our understanding of the world around us and we choose to act or not to act. My stomach is about to eat itself so it must be time to head out for some groceries and treat the family to a good old Sunday Breakfast before Leah goes off to work. Stay tuned next week I might address (Unless some other random thought drifts into my head next week.) the really cool ways that scholars magically tied all of God’s truth into undeniable fact by simply telling people that anything that wasn’t in the bible is heresy! (Yet the New Testament is a contradiction to the laws written in the Old Testament) --- Don’t confuse me with being a skeptic; I like to think of myself as a rational spiritualist. There is plenty of room in my faith for Science and Faith for they are not separate but equally important in understanding the Mind Body and Soul of Humanity and I am going to figure out how it all goes together!
Posted on: Sun, 08 Sep 2013 09:48:44 +0000
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