Once upon a time, in a land far, far away lived a nun who was steadfast and pious and a joy to all who knew her. She was also quick, competitive and had good balance. A sound mind in a sound body was her motto and along with all her chores and devotions, she exercised and worked out religiously because more than anything else, well, almost, she wanted to be a cage-fighter. She studied the ways of the pterodactyl and also the bobcats. She dismissed the terrifying Tyrannosaurus because, really, what is he going to do with those ridiculous short arms? Nothing to nobody. She traveled to distant lands to study various forms of martial arts such as, Xridoli and Serak Silat. Maybe these are real, maybe not, why don’t you go Google them. Her nun friends did not encourage her at first, telling her that as a nun she had taken vows committing her life to her religion. ”Well,” she told them, “I’m really more of a sister. Which allows for an active vocation of prayer and service and some cage-fighting.” And after all, we had the Singing Nun and the Flying Nun and where would this story be going if we got too involved with semantics. Once that had been settled our fighting nun had the full support of her convent or monastery or abbey, whichever applies, and her friends helped as best they could. Often they would throw rocks and taunts in her general direction to help toughen her up but soon she had no one to spar with since her skills had increased so dramatically. So her Reverend Mother made arrangements for her to fight a nun from a nearby convent or monastery or abbey, she accomplished this by writing disparaging letters to them and having many pizzas falsely delivered to their convent or monastery or abbey. Soon the challenge was taken up and they announced they would send forth their champion to battle on their behalf, the dreaded Blue Nun. She was well-known throughout the land for her cage fighting abilities. Some dismissed her as nothing more than a grape-picker for the making of wines that really were only complimented by being referred to as swill. Others said this was only a front, so as she could concentrate more fully on the demanding, crazed circuit that was cage-fighting. Either way, the match was set. And what a match it turned out to be. On and on it raged, first one nun gaining the upper hand then the other. Yes, rocks and taunts rained down as well as fists and kicks. The outcome was in doubt for all until finally the nun in black used a spin-kick she had learned from Chuck Norris. Did I forget to mention her training with Chuck? Oops, well, how could she lose after training with Chuck Norris, the man who punched an extremely hot and dense state that once was our universe, causing the Big Bang. The crowd went wild and yadda, yadda, yadda…. In the crowd that night was a tank. He was a strong, quiet tank, if albeit a small one. And he was soon enchanted by the cage-fighting nun. The first one I mentioned. The tank crushed several people in the crowd as he made his way closer to the cage. He didn’t notice, he had eyes only for the cage-fighting nun. And he was a tank, how could he tell? When the match was over he followed the C.F.N. (got tired of writing it out), oblivious to the screams of the crowd, and approached her as quietly as is possible for a ten ton tank. The tank stumbled over his words at first and then fired off a round to break the ice and ear drums of some nearby well-wishers. But he needn’t have been so shy, the C.F.N. was enamored with the tank as soon as she saw him. She quickly sent off her friends and Chuck Norris so she could be alone with the tank. Her vows soon forgotten like election year promises she and the tank were involved in a whirl-wind romance. They loved each other so deeply no one could be disapproving. Except those killed when the tank would fire off a few rounds while in the throes of passion. Take that how you will, I’m walking away from it. So they lived happily ever after until the tank ran out of fuel and when the C.F.N. realized how expensive it was to keep the tank fueled her attraction dropped like those vows she once held so dear. She sold the tank for scrap metal and went to work for a public-relations firm. the end
Posted on: Thu, 27 Jun 2013 22:32:47 +0000
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