Once upon a time, there was a girl desperately searching for some purpose to her life. She tried friend after friend, she tried books and music, but nothing seemed to penetrate the raw numbness that cocooned her heart. The people, the stories, the musical chords were only wispy dandelion seeds, touching a sliver of her skin before floating upwards into the blue sky, out of reach. Still she hunted for something to fill the gaping emptiness inside. Until fate crash-landed a boy in her life. All those times she thought she was in love paled before the emotions that he welled up inside her. For this was no ordinary boy. This one made her feel alive. This one cut through all the appearances and insecurities right to her bare, naked soul until she positively glowed. The veil was lifted from her eyes and she could see herself for what she truly was. She could see she was beautiful, after all. Their love was shimmering honey-golden, smooth to the touch, and its perfume was sweet enough to be other-worldly. If they were in the same room, electrons were delocalized from their orbits and the crackle of the electricity in the air would singe your hair if you weren’t careful. Their conversations fried telephone lines, and short-circuited base stations. And he loved her back, but not enough to cross an ocean for her or draw a line for her, not enough to make her his own. So she was lonely without knowing why. Then the day came when she realized he would never be hers. He had failed her. The word never was too bitter for her to swallow, but it was the truth, and her heart broke. She would lie in bed for hours, feeling the world bearing down on her spirit and squeezing it out of her body. The future was nothing but a row of rotting years, shadows and dark shapes flitting about their edges. How would she live? For losing him meant losing her anchor to life. She was tossed about by the waves and there was nothing to hold onto. Every morning when she opened her eyes to blinding sunlight, she would remember. The crushing knowledge that she was still here and nothing had changed. TV shows weren’t funny anymore and the colours in her dresses faded to grey. The years went by, and her heart didn’t heal. The emptiness was back but now it had shape and texture. And she marveled that she was still here, that her life hadn’t ended. Getting out of bed was difficult but not impossible and she grew used to the hole in her heart. She doubted it would ever be filled. But she was wrong. And one day, quite accidentally, she stumbled upon a book. She had read it before, in fact, she had read it thousands of times. She even knew some of the words. It was not the book that had changed, it was herself. Beaten on the ground, on the road to nowhere, it was the nothingness in her life that restored her vision. When she read it again, she gasped for joy. Here was the answer she had sought for 10 years. And it had been here all this time under her roof. In a quiet corner of her heart. It was unconditional love, it was radiant light, it did not blind, it made everything startlingly clear, it lifted her over the world so that she could look down on the universe and finally understand not just the reason for her pain, but also the reason for humanity and the bees and the stars. And she was beautiful, she really was, she had been all this time. But this was a different beauty, the kind that emanated from the inside. Suddenly there wasn’t enough room in her chest to contain all what she felt. And she knew she’d never be lonely again because she found the unbreakable handhold most people spend their whole lives searching for. Eternity. She had found God.
Posted on: Mon, 03 Feb 2014 10:43:50 +0000
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