One of my mothers everyday coats was like one many women wore during the time period I was a rebelling teenager; no matter what my mom might suggest I wear, I COULD NOT like her suggestions, No way! How old lady. May I share with you that my Mother had excellent taste, her tastes were classy, tasteful, classic, with some flare about her. Her cocktail dresses from back in her day could give Jackie Kennedy competition or fallen out of Jackie Kennedys closet. I LOVED wearing her old clothes. Back to the coat... There was a style of coat many women wore during this phase of my rebelling against all things and I did not like that raincoat just because it was my moms and surely an old ladys coat. It was a rain trench coat by London Fog. A very reasonable AND fashionable coat. This style coat is everywhere I look in Denver and looks just fine, you know? Anyway, I had to purchase a coat for staying dry this fall/winter. I can stay warm, I havent been able to stay dry and I ended up purchasing a very reasonable London Fog rain coat and not until it arrived did I realize it was a coat like my Mom wore. I almost hurled. NO WAY!! I dont wear that style coat as long as I live! I am telling you, I had knee-jerk reactions against that coat. I was never forced to wear one, I just rebelled against this particular style and shocked to know how deeply I am apparently scarred by said coat style. Im in a pickle because I need to stay dry and I do NOT like to shop and would rather wear this old ladys coat versus having to shop again. No joke. (I shopped online, too. I do not like shopping.) Today in the rain, I kept feeling my neck wishing to be a turtles neck trying to hide in the shell because I was wearing such a conventional style of coat, something my mother would wear. I was really having trouble not squinching up my nose just to be in the coat. I was sooo embarrassed. Then a friend saw me and said Hey, that coat looks like its just the right thing for this weather. You look great today, better than you have in months. That isnt an insult as I regain my health from mold exposure. I said thanks and continued trying to shove my turtle head into a turtle shell in stupid self shame to be in that style coat. As I sat trying to figure out how I would settle this within myself because Im forced to shop again if I do not find a way to accept this typical, reasonable, just- right- for- the-weather coat. My mother developed Picks Disease, a cousin to Alzheimers. I was her caregiver. A very imperfect caregiver and she was mine to handle alone, no one else in the family helped with her. (mothers are disposable according to the men in my family.) I was already over my head in having coping skills because of the abusive marriage yet of course, I was happy to be her caregiver but no one was speaking of Alzheimers at the time. It wasnt commonly diagnosed or known. I had to suggest Alzheimers to her Doctor as no one knew her issue. We were in Utah during moms diagnosis on a military AFB. I miss Mom all the time and I often tally the ways I failed her. And as I thought about Mom this rainy day while wearing that coat, for just a brief moment I thought of the times I felt I failed her...remembering incidents...and as I fought back the tears I felt that coat wrapped around me, just like a warm hug protecting me in the rains and cold winds of Boulder today. Just like Moms hugs always did...made everything alright. I know why I need to wear that coat. As i ride the buses during rains it will be time for me to discuss with myself and mom (in the spiritual) all my assumed transgressions. And each time I am reprimanding myself, I will feel that coat hug me as I allow myself credit for doing more than most and the best I could do. In facing my presumed failures for mom... from the normal things to the abnormal things because of Marks abuse to me, then to her ... and I know my mom, she would hug me as she always did and she would let me know how much she loved me. It is time to forgive myself for so much. And moms love/hugs will be with me in the rains letting me know I am loved. I wear this old ladys rain coat in appropriate weather this year in joy, and I want to walk taller, prouder and smile even bigger so that Lucys love touches all that pass by this typical rain coat hoping they feel the love eeking out of the hugs I will be wearing. Love and hugs Mom. I miss you always yet your love and you are right here. And what a smart choice in a coat! Thanks, Mom. = >
Posted on: Mon, 13 Oct 2014 03:51:30 +0000
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