One year ago today my heart was shattered! My precious angel I named Snowelle was sick and dying. She had been feeling better after almost loosing her two years earlier to what I was told was IBD (Irritable Bowel Disease.) It was the Thanksgiving & Christmas Holidays coming when she became very ill, throwing up & diarrhea, unable to eat & losing weight fast. She had a cortisone shot from her own vet but was growing weaker and sicker by the day. After office hours I had to rush her to an emergency vet who ran some tests, gave her fluids & I think either a blood transfusion of injections to raise her red count. He kept her for several days. I missed her terribly and worried then I was losing her but she got better and came home. She was getting older, a bit slower and sleeping more; something I expected with an older cat. She was able to eat normally again but it was apparent she was beginning to fail, even though she gained back a pound or two. She slept a lot but never complained. Still the loving sweet cuddle bunny as the fluffy white cotton ball I adopted at eight months old from our local shelter. It was after I began posting photos of her on Facebook someone commented one day, oh, I see you also have a Turkish Angora. I raise them. I started researching the breed and she had most of the traits, although not quite as slim as a Turk as she loved her chow. Everything had settled down with a change in diet to a gluten free food. She didnt care for it at first but it made her feel so much better. She regained some of her perk and playfulness. Being the curious, intelligent cat she was she got herself into a bit of mischief while doing some remodeling on my home. I had just finished having the kitchen ceiling replaced after a chimney leak became worse after a new roof was improperly installed. My newer kitchen was a partial gut job. Snowelle, being a curious cat, climbed the contractors ladder into the attic while he replaced all the insulation (half was wet while other areas had little or none.) She scared the contractor who had just found an arching wire over my bathroom. Snowelle was headed right for it but as he approached she walked the entire length of the attic before nearing the hatch entrance where the contractor was able to snatch her up and bring her back down, whiskers covered in cobwebs and a dark grey color from dust in the attic. She never forgot a ladder sitting around could get her back into the attic to explore. There was the two bats who got out of the attic while the kitchen ceiling was open. They were flying around my living room while Im dodging their dive bombs, trying to shield myself with my comforter while Snowelle is racing after them for me. Dont worry mom, Ive got this! she seemed to be saying. Same mischief when I gutted the bathroom and thought I had her barricaded her out, as part of the floor under the old tub was missing. She managed to find her way in and sure enough, I saw her on the old plumbing pipes in the basement, once again a dusty mess with whiskers full of cobwebs. Things seemed fine last year when I took her in for a routine nail trim from her vet. She had thrown up that Friday morning, nothing out of the ordinary for a long haired cat who hated hairball medicine. Her appetite had been down that week so I mentioned it to the new vet buying the practice of her vet. He suggested a cortisone shot which I allowed as she had them in the past. He drew blood and had planned to do an X-Ray the following Monday. I ran some errands Friday afternoon but noticed she was not acting her normal self when I got home. Her white fur was ruffled, her eyes dull and she was very listless. She wouldnt eat or drink. I tried to give her some KFC chicken she loved but she ate just a few pieces and ran to the bedroom and her round bed. That evening I tried to give her a liquid medication the vet had given me to help her colon but she gave off a horrid howl I had never heard her make. She seemed to be struggling to breath and was trying to hide like cats do when they are dying. I was in tears as I lay on the floor of the den with her, stroking her soft white fur that felt course to the touch. I looked her in the eyes and she looked back with a pained plea to help her. I begged her, you arent dying on me are you, Im not ready!!! I think we both knew. I couldnt do anything until morning but was so afraid she wouldnt make it through the night. She didnt go to bed with me like she had every night until I fell asleep then she would go to her own bed. She lay next to my bed on the floor wide awake or kept trying to go hide. I wanted to watch her but having such a hard time staying awake. I put her in bed with me and every half hour I would wake up but she was still awake too. About 5 a.m. she jumped down and laid in her bed. I called her vet as soon as they opened on Saturday morning but was just told to try some liquid nourishment and a motility oral med. I ran and got that before they closed at noon. She wouldnt take the meds, even chocked on it like she couldnt swallow. Called her vet office back how bad she was, wheezing and panting but was told he left for the day to take her somewhere else. I grasped her up from her bed, the first sleep she had in over 24 hours to take her to another vet. Blood tests were faxed and were not normal as I was told. She was anemic and white counts suggested she had a hidden cancer. X-Ray taken as and emergency that Saturday showed how sick she really was. Her lungs were filled with fluid (due to the steroid shot I was told, & the strongest one made he had given her. And not tolerated well by older pets I was told.) Her heart was three times its normal size. SHE WAS IN HEART FAILURE! A heart attack was imminent and she had cancer, couldnt breath and was suffering as she struggled for each breath. I was given the option of a shot to get the fluid off her lungs but would have to drive her an hour away to an oxygenated kennel with no guarantee she could make the trip. And there was the cancer, not being able to eat and I dont think she could swallow at all. I knew I was going to have to make that painful decision to end her suffering when just 24 hours earlier she was still playing with her toys, still sitting and purring on my lap. A nail trim to a full on medical crisis and a devastating diagnosis that no amount of heroics was going to save her. I couldnt bear to make that decision all alone and so suddenly when I was not prepared. The office was closing at noon and I had mere minutes to make a decision. I hated it but had to call my sister to talk out my decision and just two weeks after she had lost a cat to a natural, although great suffering death. Sis assured me it sounded like it would be the best thing I could do for her and not let her suffer a painful heart attack in mere hours. I was asked if I wanted to go in while they put her to sleep. I was so torn, tears streaming down my face. I wanted to be there for her as she had been for me through so many hard times. I didnt want to face that tough decision, to watch her take her last breath and see her die. I didnt want to see her dead. I wanted to remember her and the good times. I couldnt bring myself to do what I should have done -- be there for her to the end and help her ease over to Rainbow Bridge. I still have my doubts if I did the right thing for her and for me. I still question why couldnt I go in and comfort her as she did me so many times. I OWED HER THAT!!! I COULDNT DO IT! I FELT SO SELFISH!!! I drove home in more of the tears I had shed in the vets office as I told her goodbye. I took a few shaky cell pics of her in her kennel. They had laid her on her furry pink blanket for me to say our goodbyes. She knew & I knew it would be our last time together. I told her how much I loved her, that I didnt want to do this to her but didnt want her to suffer a minute longer. I told her to go to Rainbow Bridge and wait for me some day. I kissed her on the head and hugged her face against mine. The vet shaved a few locks of her soft white fur for me to keep. Her breathing became more labored so I told them you better take her now! They did it right away and I asked to have her cremated (and requested those ashes be buried with me.) My neighbor girl was cleaning her car when I got home. We are very close friends. I told her I had just put Snowelle to sleep. She asked if I was okay and I said no. She hugged me and I lost it, sobbing uncontrollably. I came into the house with her empty carrier, her pink furry blanket still in the back of my car I found the next day. I picked up all her things right away. Her dish, her toys, her fountain. All her photos on the refrigerator and on to those in the bedroom. I looked around the house and white cats were everywhere; plagues, glass cats, her ornament with her name on it. A white cat stained glass plant spike. As a photographer, photos were all over the house. NO! I am not going to try to put all her memories away. There are too many memories all over our home and I dont want to forget her. I gathered up most of her things and set up a memorial in the front entrance. It was out of site from where I sit but where I could visit it when I wanted. I cried myself to sleep. Again the next day and the next. A week. At night when she wasnt there to jump in bed with me, kneading my stomach before she laid down beside me until she knew I was sound asleep. A week or so later I received her ashes and placed them above my bed in a large glass vase, her ornament with her name in front, the locks of white fur, her comb, and some glass beads. Two of her best photos on each side and two plaques I received from the neighbor who comforted me and one from my sister. They remain there a year later. I say goodnight to her before I go to bed and pet a white rabbit fur cat I had that looks like her, holding it to my face to remember that softness of her. At times I talk to her and ask if she understands. If my grandmother who loved cats is holding her on her lap until I get to see her again. The days got better as time passed. Some days I didnt think of her but always at night she was still there. I still thought of her then before I laid down to sleep. Sometimes I still cried. About the second week of August this year, as the one year anniversary of her death approached, she was on my mind much of the day. This past week as September began I decided to post one photo in tribute to her life and her memory. I still miss you my little baby girl. So sweet and so loving like no other cat I had ever shared my heart and my home. There is an empty spot in our home, in my heart and in my soul that can never be filled until I see you again. I hope I can find you in Heaven, sitting on grandmas lap with her stroking your soft cotton ball fluff of white fur. I miss you so much my dear sweet angel. :(
Posted on: Sun, 07 Sep 2014 05:31:52 +0000
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