One year without my best friend. Mom, today makes a year that you have physically not been a part of our lives. The last few days leading up to today have been filed with such sad memories of talking to the doctors, making funeral arrangements, remembering our last conversation, thinking of the last time I hugged you, and envisioning the last time I saw you smile. I vividly remember the last two smiles. I remember Sunday night in the hospital talking to you about taking things easy when you come out. We had a great private conversation and I challenged you on what you need to do. In your own way you smiled and told me that you know I am right, but you are not doing anything different when you get out. That is you my strong willed mom. You always were a tough cookie! The last smile was after you lost some functioning. You weren’t really communicating much at this point. The hospital staff had you pushing against my arm to keep your muscles active. I told you to push me hard – I can take it. You looked at me and gave me the most beautiful .5 second of a smile that you can muster. I know you couldn’t move your whole mouth, but you moved every part of your lips you could to show that great smile. You always knew how to make things better for everyone around you. It has been hard leading up to today thinking of all these memories. Nothing I can say or do will ever explain the void I feel that you are not with us. I would do anything to talk to you, hug you and see that smile again. Ma, we missed you in Florida, we missed you in Mystic, we missed you at Titi Mercedes house, we missed you at Thanksgiving, we missed you at Christmas, and boy did we miss you at the Dude Ranch and for Julian’s birthday. That’s what hurts the most. I see how great you were to Tristan and it kills me that Julian will never be able to experience all of that love. I know how great of a mother you are, I know how great of a grandmother you are….it sucks so much that my son will never get to experience that. It is not fair. Ma, you called me from the hospital crying to tell me you are dying. The worst phone call I ever had. Three days later you left us. Did you know? Why is the sky your background pic on facebook? Why did you stress to us to let Julian and Tristan know you loved them? Why did you change up your medicine? Why were you taken from us so quickly? There are so many unanswered questions still a year later. This year has not been easy. I know that if you were here you would have a way to make things much better. You always would find a way. Leading up to today there were many tough thoughts running through my mind. Today was different. Today I remembered all of the good things. I remembered all of the happiness that you taught us all. I remember how much you spoiled Tristan, I remembered how important it was for you to buy Josie her purse, and I remembered how at peace you were holding Julian. I have the most amazing video of you rocking him to sleep. I must have watched that video 1,000 times this past year. You know what else I remembered-how much you taught me how to live and how much of a great mother you were. You taught me the importance of family and even after your passing you have a way to keep us all connected. You taught me how to be a good parent. I hope Alexia and I are half as good parents as you and Dad are. I wish you can see Julian walk. I wish you can see his long crazy hair. I wish you can see how he tricked us with all his front teeth so quickly, but still has no other teeth. I wish you can hear his words-hello, uh-oh, wow, da da, ma ma, and no no no. I wish you can see his happiness. He is really a happy kid. Don’t get me wrong he is a handful, and hit his peak today when we went out to celebrate in your name. Overall though, he is a great, vibrant, beautiful, happy, bundle of joy and I know you would be so proud. You always did a great job of making us feel your pride. When you passed away, I knew you were loved by many, but I realized that you touched more lives than we knew about. So many people came up to Diana and I to let us know Paula was there for me when my mom passed, your mom was there for me when I had surgery, your mom was there for me for the most difficult times in my life, your mom was one of my best friends….and the list goes on. These are the memories that keep me going. I want to be as great for the world as you are. You always knew how to make everything right. I know you are still here. I feel it. I know you are keeping us safe. Thank you! Thank you for being my/our best friend. You are forever in our hearts. P.S. Alexia misses you like crazy. Mom, you still give her so much strength when things are hard.
Posted on: Sat, 23 Aug 2014 04:07:52 +0000
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