Out of nowhere this morning, Jackson suddenly did not want to go to kindergarten. His first day. As soon as he pushed back, I was driving down the road 8 ½ years ago in Nashville with Stephie as I was about to ask her to marry me, and she asked why I was driving so slow. Then I was alone in that room getting dressed for our wedding. Putting on the suit I had bought in Italy years before on my birthday that Stephie had picked out. I said I would not wear that suit until Stephie had a dress she felt was as special. Next I was driving Stephie to the hospital just as Jackson was contracting in her belly. I almost missed the exit. Moments later, I was watching Jackson emerge in three final breaths - and explode out into the world. Moments so charged with emotion I could barely think straight. Moments I want to live a lifetime in. We listened to Woody Guthrie songs at breakfast this morning. When Jackson slumped over and said he didn’t want to go, I picked him up in my lap and helped get some bites of pancakes and melon inside his belly. I joked that that if taking pictures didn’t work out, I would get a job at the snickerdoodle factory and come home every night smelling like cookies. There would be one snickerdoodle in each pocket for Jackson and Asher - and every night my pockets would be full of crumbs. Stephie would paint children’s books and make the art she needs to be making. On Jackson’s first day of kindergarten he was wearing a t shirt from his camp and I promised him there would be other kids from his camp at his school. He scootered down ahead of us, which was good because I was a mess. At the playground he saw an older kid wearing his same shirt, “Dad, you were right, there are other kids from my camp,” and he ran over to say hello. The kid was surrounded by his brothers and friends. Jackson tried to work his way in. “Excuse me.” “EXCUSE ME!” He was so much smaller than the older kids. Finally he got his attention and said, “I went to Avid for Adventure, too.” And the older kid just ignored him. “Excuse me”, Jackson yelled up. The kid said with his expression, “not now.” We walked over to where the other kindergarteners were gathering, said hello to Jackson’s teacher, found the line. I heard one mother saying to another, “Are you going to cry?” The other mother said, “No.” “Good. We are that type.” It was a big deal. Our Jackson. 2131 days old. This whole summer I went from feeling like there was a big door we were delivering him to. It felt like we had zoomed in from a google map of the world. Zoomed into Colorado, into Boulder, into this community, into this school, into this classroom. Then it all began to feel like a big handoff. Finally, this morning, with Jackson curled in my lap, it felt like I was taking the most precious gift I have ever known and helping him step out into the world. Of course he is already there. We have not tried to make him like us. We have tried everyday to help him be Jackson. We have tried to make every single day a discovery of something special. Jackson has shown us more, taught us more, loved us more than we could ever have taught him. All those nights we carried him in our arms asleep into his own bed. Walking with a sleeping child in your arms is the closest to god you can ever be. Today, as he rode up ahead of us, out of the shady trees and stopped in the sunlight to look back, we were opening up our arms and delivering him to the world. When we got home, Stephie and I held each other for a long time outside of the house. I never forget that as much as I love these boys, it is Stephie where all of the love we share was born. It is Stephie who literally delivered all this love into the world. It is Stephie’s drawing that will delight Jackson when he opens his lunchbox today. After dropping Jackson off I went in the house and Asher was laying on the kitchen floor with his legs up on the wall singing the version of “You Are My Sunshine” we sing, “You are my Asher, my only Asher. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear. How much I love you. Please don’t take my Asher away.” He didn’t see me there, which was good. I was still a mess. I needed to come here and find these words to comfort me. If you run into Jackson and ask him what his Daddy’s job is, he will say, “to protect me.” He may also say something about taking pictures, but that comes second. I am very proud that he starts kindergarten today having never been sunburnt.
Posted on: Mon, 26 Aug 2013 16:20:21 +0000
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