Owning our flaws is quite empowering. i fought mine for a long time. Critical of the way I looked, feeling inadequate and compensating by unhealthy choices. Apologising regularly for not being being perfect. However, more recently Im coming to terms with my shortcomings. I am who I am: clumsy, a little too open about my life, I can be loud and messy. I party...sometimes a little too hard. Went to a fancy dinner dressed in all white, managed to pour a whole lot of red liquid all over my outfit. Was I embarrassed? A little. Was it super funny? Absolutely. I flew to England for an awards ceremony, fully expecting to win. I didnt and that was hard. But my ego needed that. It wasnt my time. However, the older I get the less I care about what people think about me. Dont get me wrong..the opinions of a select few mean the world to me. Im still hurt when people are unkind to me. However, the health and well being of my son is the most important thing in the world. Over the last year..EVERY SINGLE one of my relationships have been severely tested. It was devastating. I was handicapped by my dependancy on being accepted, and liked. The process of caring less hasnt been easy, but it has been worth it. Here are some truths that I was hesitant to share. Why? Because of judgment. Im prone to anxiety...so I take xanax, a prescription medicine. The judgement that came from the people I loved was surprising. Modern medicine has been able to diagnose anxiety as a disorder..and luckily we dont have to shut up and deal. For some therapy works, for me it didnt. Im not ashamed of it. Anymore. My relationship took a beating too. Struggling with staying married or leaving it. Most married couples deal with the same issues, theyre just good at putting up a facade. Thats kinda what happens when you marry young. Im not a conventional woman, and I dont pretend to be. I fell in love with a man of a different faith, and followed my heart. Through that came the greatest gift, my son. Do I regret any of my choices? NO. I dont. I say inappropriate things. I have a short temper. I am the clumsiest woman on earth. Sure, Im a work in progress but so is everyone else. I dont pretend to be religious or righteous. I see many people picking and choosing when religion matters and when it doesnt. To each their own. I follow my heart more then I listen to my head. Sometimes it gets me in trouble. Mostly it leads to a lot of fun. Im the worst person with money. I never know whats coming in or whats going out. Im trying to be better with that. Media is an industry that dictates we look a certain way. Ill be the first to admit, I have caved into that. Fixed things I wasnt happy with. Why not? Isnt life about being happy? As I see it as long as you dont intentionally hurt anyone, its all good. My life is mine. I answer to no one. Im not accountable for how you feel about me or anyones judgement of my life. Judgement by the way stems from two places: ignorance and envy. Where is this coming from? Ive had to redefine who Ill allow into my life. Had to cut out or distance myself from people I never thought I would. Its been quite difficult to be honest. Ive had people closest to me manipulate me at my weakest, telling untruths and making accusations. Lord knows if I was slightly more vengeful, Id let their skeletons out too. I havent. Doesnt mean I wont. As I said I have a bad temper. Life is short. My mission isnt to live up to anyone elses ideals of motherhood, or womanhood. We should be making our own rules. Change them as we see fit. Ill never be that ladylike lady who bakes bread and sips tea. I dont claim to be either. The lesson here: change is painful, transformation isnt easy. However as Im going through it, I realise how important it is. Cut out toxic people, and youre life will be that much smoother. Lecture over. Thank you and good day.xxxx
Posted on: Fri, 07 Nov 2014 18:38:47 +0000
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