PILLOW TALK A woman came into the kitchen in the middle of the night and found her husband eating a bowl of cerelac. So, she said, ‘You this man! You will not allow the baby to suck what you say you paid bride price on. Now you are here again finishing junior’s cerelac. What is wrong with you? Should I feed them ji-akpu and start expressing for you?’ And the man said, ‘God, why did you give me a wife with such an evil mouth? So because I colonize what is legitimately mine in private, you have to come out in public to say it? Okay, I will say my own. This cerelac I am eating is sweeter than anything you have ever given me.’ And the woman raised two hands to her head, ‘Eh! I do not blame you, you that has to be guided like the blind to the door? How can anything be sweet to someone who uses such a short ladle to stir the pot? Don’t you know that the bottom-pot is always the sweetest? It is you who does not have the right spoon.’ And the man dropped his cerelac and stood up, ‘What? You this woman! How dare you? I will return the bride price I paid on your head. Other women can dance makossa, galala, azonto, skelewu, kukere but you? In fact, you are like an Indian movie; once you have watched one you have watched all. I tell you, this bowl of cerelac is more adventurous than you.’ And the woman looked down at the cerelac and back up at her husband, ‘You are an idiot beyond redemption, comparing me to skelewu specialists! What is it that you have ever asked me to do that I have not done? Eh? Except that one! Tufia! And I will never. Did you hear me? I will never! Because it is a crime to drive against traffic. Did you hear me? Idiot beyond redemption!’ And the man opened his mouth, then shut it, sat down and took a spoon of cerelac. After a while, he said, ‘God, why did you give me a wife with such an evil mouth?’ And the woman sat down opposite him, folded her arms, ‘So now you think my mouth is evil? You did not think so yesterday. Far flung fool! And you have the guts to compare me to an Indian movie? Try it again and you will see whether I do not have teeth, and I am not still the woman who can masticate chicken bones with them.’ And the man winced involuntarily, and quickly checked to make sure she had not in fact masticated it just by threatening to do so. Then he smiled, ‘You this woman! You take things too seriously.’ He took a spoon of cerelac and laughed. ‘If you continue like this you will drive me into the arms of another woman.’ And she hissed. ‘Good riddance to bad rubbish.’ And took a spoon of cerelac herself, swallowed it and nodded in agreement. ‘You are right, sha, this thing is sweet.’ And he winked, ‘Not as sweet as you.’ She hissed again and went to bed. And the man sat up till he had finished his cerelac. And when he joined her, he wriggled up to her, held her very, very close and whispered in her ear, ‘You know I love you, abi?’ And she smiled and snuggled even closer to him. ‘Yes, I know. I love you too.’ And a minute later slapped his hand off. ‘Ah-ah! You sef! Was that cerelac not enough for you?’ And the man groaned and rolled away to the other side. And she looked over her shoulder and said, ‘Is that why you came and hugged me?’ Then she kicked him and said, ‘Good night.’ After a while, he lifted his head from the pillow and whispered, ‘Maybe tomorrow?’ And she said, ‘If you’re up for an Indian movie, why not?’ And he groaned again and said, ‘You this woman! I was only joking now.’ And she kicked him again and said, ‘Me too.’ So he came back and snuggled up to her. And that was how they stayed and fell asleep, until he began to snore. Then she woke up, pushed him all the way to the other side of the bed and went back to sleep… Because you can’t really tell what Love will look like, or sound like; dress like or talk like. But your fights will always be fierce and your conversations will always be honest. And when your anger – and your frustration, and your irritation, and your extreme exasperation – is spent you will find it still there, that settling feeling. And you will know you’re in bed with the right one.
Posted on: Fri, 18 Jul 2014 20:51:57 +0000
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