Paradise Lost Triple crown molding and glass doorknobs. Black and white memories in Hollywood style. Speeches into comas, prayers from aching heart. She returned for a while and softened depart. A piece of her is me although she really died. The boy still misses Mommy and has been known to cry. It was only a movie. What state am I in? What delivered me this angst? Why’s it feel like sin? Keep all your pity. I’ll dry my own tears. I felt her tonight, across too many years. Note to Mom: This one is you, Mom. Triple Crown Molding. Glass doorknobs. Those things meant class to me because they meant class to you. You had a dignity about you that understood station even when life had you in our blue-collar world. I remember a trip to Uncle Gil’s house and how his house intimidated me at the time. It felt like the set of a movie where people gather and smoke cigars and have brandy in the evening. High class. High society. I knew you would be at home there as sure as you were anywhere. Part of me wished you had those things. The things that said academia, success, and more. I pursued those things for a while. Things that implied success. Had some moments of pretension. Things changed. Success is much different for me now. It is peace. Hope. Love. Light. My favorite room in the world in a glass enclosed porch. It is welcoming. Everyone that has ever visited has said they felt at home in that room. It is a place of gathering as well as solitude. It is what is needed at the moment for whoever is in the room. It is home. Home where we are loved and safe. There isn’t any triple crown molding or glass doorknobs, Mom. Those are really just things. You were in a class all by yourself, Mom. I reached to you on your deathbed and you returned to say good-bye. I knew you would. It took hours. The Intensive Care nurses watched quietly as I spoke into your coma. Into your heart. Into wherever you were headed. They watched as I urged you to come back and wrap things up. Sis was asleep in the lounge after days of vigil. She accepted you were gone and gave me time to say good-bye. I had other plans. Good-bye in coma was less than you and I and Sis deserved. I knew you would come back for Sis and for me. Knew it. Love is bigger than death. Love pushes from this place to that place and says hi. Or good-bye. You came back……..to say good-bye. Katie, Katie, pin a rose on me. In my tears, my first question to you was “How the heck are you?” In your style, you let me know. “How the hell do you think I am?” Sis, you and I had that time together. One more magic moment in a life of so much magic. Then you closed your eyes forever. I feel you on the porch, Mom. See you in the mirror. Love you all the more all the time. That is who we are to each other. We can fit in anywhere. We are better off at home. Together. Forever.
Posted on: Wed, 20 Aug 2014 14:26:45 +0000
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