Part 1 There are certain rules of survival in horror movies. The movie Scream had some rules, but they weren’t very useful. My rules are much better and teach you exactly how to survive a horror movie. Don’t walk around saying “Hello?” like the killer is going to reply “Yeah I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?” If someone says “Oh yeah, that’s the house where Old Man Jenkins was murdered” then it’s time to move house. If your friend gets bitten by a zombie and says “Maybe I wont turn into one”, kill him. Better safe than sorry. Upstairs? Bad idea. Outside? Don’t go there. Phone? Never works. Gun? Don’t drop it. Car? Won’t start. Neighbors? Never home. Police? Always die. If something licks your hand in the darkness, it’s not your dog. Your dog is dead. Stay away from places like Amityville, Haddonfield, Camp Crystal Lake, Elm Street and the entire state of Maine. If you’re running around completely naked, you might as well just murder yourself. Don’t be a cheerleader. For some reason, in horror movies, cheerleaders are usually the first to die. If you are annoying or a wise-ass, you will die before the black guy. If you are a hot blond girl with big boobs, you will die before the annoying guy and the black guy. If you open the door and there is a man standing there, holding an axe, he didn’t come to chop firewood. Never go to the toilet alone. If needs be, poop your pants. It’s much safer. If you see a clown, RUN. That clown isn’t hanging around to make you some balloon animals! Leave slow or clumsy friends behind. Every man for himself. Somebody’s got to live to tell the story. Don’t split up and look for clues. Everything you learned from Scooby-Doo is wrong. You know that creepy clown statue upstairs that is freaking you out? Well it’s not a statue. Never say “I’ll be right back” because you won’t be right back. When you’re walking around a spooky old house, at least try turning the lights on! If you’re running from the killer, you’re going to trip and fall down at least twice. More if you’re a girl. If you trip and fall, don’t lay there with the “Ow it hurts” face. Get up and continue running! If the killer is chasing you, you don’t have to run fast. Just faster than your friends. No matter how fast you run, the killer will always be right behind or in front of you, despite the fact that he is shuffling along at a slower and more dramatic pace. On a stormy night, you will find an open window that you were sure was locked. It didn’t magically unlock itself! Whatever you do, remember that the killer will never forget what you did last Summer. If you’re pointing a gun at the killer, don’t say “If you move I’ll shoot! I’m serious!” Just shoot him already! Just lay down on the floor and pretend to be dead. Hey, it works for bears… doesn’t it? Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you. If you see something moving, hit it with a baseball bat… even if it turns out to be your friend. Swing first, say sorry later. Listen to the advice of all the people in the movie theater who are yelling at the screen! Don’t trot round the house shouting, “Hey! is anybody there?” Of course there’s somebody there, dummy! Never take a shower. Killers love showers. Anyway, sweaty people are slippery and harder to catch. If you’re a girl, get a boyfriend. He’ll be horribly murdered in front of you, but at least you’ll live. If you hear weird noises, don’t go to investigate. You’re not Dora the Explorer. Stay out of the library. It’s one of the worst places to hide. Seriously, it’s like a labyrinth of getting murdered. Do you realize how easy it is for a killer to hide behind a bookcase? If you’ve beaten the killer into a bloody pulp and you’re sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him. If somebody claims that there’s nothing wrong, something is horribly, horribly wrong. If you’re asked to babysit during a storm, on Halloween, on Friday the 13th or during a full moon, just say “Sorry, no can do”. Don’t pick up hitchhikers and don’t hitchhike. If you do both, then the worst case scenario is: You could end up picking yourself up and murdering yourself. If one of your friends is injured, leave them behind. Even if it’s just a skinned knee. That qualifies as an injury. Leave them. If you friend gets shot, don’t, under any circumstances, do CPR. This will only make them die faster! Always have your keys at the ready. You don’t want to be fumbling in your bag going “Oh where are they I’m sure I have them here somewhere”, while the killer closes in. Drips are never good. If you hear a dripping sound, it’s blood. Likewise, if you hear a clang, it’s a meat cleaver and if you hear a thunk, it’s a severed head. If there is a scary legend, believe it. It’s real. It doesn’t matter of the legend says the killer has an onion for a head or a bear trap for a mouth. It’s real and he’s coming for you tonight. If someone says “It’s just the wind, guys. Everything’s fine. Stop overreacting”, you should reply “Yeah well I hope I won’t overreact when you’re dead and stuffed beneath the floorboards”. Avoid screaming, crying, whispering, panting, wheezing or breathing heavily when you’re trying to hide. Killers are not deaf. Never bend down to spit out your toothpaste. When you come back up, there’ll be someone standing behind you in the mirror. Don’t go to places with weird names like Terror Lake, Hell Hollow, Devil’s Den, Screamerville, Skull Valley, Dead Man’s Crossing, Spook Hill, Ghost Creek, Bloody Springs or Slaughter Beach. Never go downstairs to check out a weird noise. Especially not in your underwear. If your friends go to check out a strange noise and don’t return, don’t go looking for them. Just make new friends. If your son starts telling you “I see dead people”, put him up for adoption! If you’re babysitting a kid and they tell you they saw someone scary at the window, tell them to stand at the window and wave while you go hide. If your running from zombies and your friend trips, don’t worry. Leave them and say “I’ll see you again when you’re a zombie” DO NOT hide where you obviously could be SEEN… like BEHIND a LAMP! idiot This is the 21st Century. You have a cell phone. Why does nobody in horror movies call 911? If you’re black, stay away from white people. They’re too curious – always checking out noises and getting killed. Have a fat friend. They will come in useful. If you run into the killer, you can use them as a human shield. When you hear the music change to “ch, ch, ch, ch…ah, ah, ah, ah”, you’re as good as dead. If you and your friends are running from the killer, trip up your friends. You can always make new friends, but there’s only one you. If you are babysitting and the phone rings, don’t answer it. Just go home and let the kids fend for themselves. Always check the back seat of the car. 9 out of 10 times, the killer will be crouched there going “Aw dude you caught me!” If you come to a deserted town, it’s probably been deserted for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away. If you’re not sure who’s the killer and who’s an innocent person, shoot them all and let God sort them out. If you see something mutating, don’t stand there with your “OMFG” face and wait for it to finish mutating. Kill it with fire and get the hell outta there. I’m a leader not a follower… but if we’re going into a haunted house… you’re going first. If some idiot in the group says “Let’s split up”, tell him “OK you go that way, the rest of us will go this way” Never under any circumstances run upstairs if you are being chased. Once you get upstairs, there’s nowhere left to go. If you’re hiding from the killer, put your phone on silent. make sure the killer is dead. if the killer isn’t dead they will just keep coming back like team rocket. OK under the bed is not a real hiding spot. What self-respecting killer WOULDN’T check under the bed. If your BestFriendForever trips and falls and screams “Don’t leave me!”, change their friendship status to BestFriendForNever. If you find your friend stabbed 78 times and lying in a pool of blood, dont go “OMG what happened?” You KNOW what happened. The killer never dies the first time. Wait until he gets up, then kill him again. when you find your friend stabbed 78 times dont comfort her. Run! She’s gonna die anyway. When you’re driving at night and you hit someone, don’t stop to see if they’re OK. Hide in the fridge. Killers don’t get hungry and stop for munchies during a murder spree. Never look behind you while running away. When you look back, the killer will be standing in front of you. Make sure your car has a full tank of gas and your cell phone is fully charged. Whenever a puppet or doll turns to you and says “Let’s play”, it doesn’t REALLY want to play. If you knock on the door of a creepy old house and it opens by itself, don’t go inside. If objects in your house become possessed and start attacking you, don’t run into the kitchen. That’s where the knives are. If you hear a little girl singing a nursery rhyme, say “Feet don’t fail me now!” and start running. Don’t stop at a gas station and ask the creepy old man for directions. He’s not going to help you. After you shoot the killer, don’t drop your gun. If someone hands you a videotape and says “If you watch this you will die in 7 days”, don’t break out the popcorn. If you see something weird, tell someone. Don’t just go “Oh, I must be seeing things.” There is a killer in town and the police have asked us to give you the following safety tips. Stay in well-lit areas, do not travel alone whenever possible, always wipe front to back. Never get into a car. It will either not start, break down, run out of gas or you will lose the keys. Either way, the killer will be hiding in the back seat.
Posted on: Fri, 13 Sep 2013 15:02:29 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015