Part 8 of Chrissies story, Weve just found out that Saige will be born still. This is also know as fetal demise. When a baby dies before the 20th week its considered a miscarriage. After 20 weeks its referred to as fetal demise or a stillbirth. Because I was 22 weeks pregnant that meant according to Pennsylvania laws we would have to bury our daughter once she was born. I could not believe that I was going to have to call a funeral home to make arrangements for my daughter who wasnt even born yet. In the back of my mind I wondered if Taylor would not make it as well...theyve given her so little hope. I broke down on the phone while speaking to a funeral home when I asked them...how many babies can we fit in one casket? The question still sickens me to this day. I told the hospital that I could not do this...I could not begin to make arrangements for my child who was not even born yet. It would have to wait until after delivery. December 12, 1998. Two days after learning of Saiges death we decided to have the girls sleep over in my hospital room. This was something we were allowed any time we wanted. We all looked forward to these sleepovers...we could all be together. We ordered pizza in that night and while we were waiting I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding! I screamed for Skip and pulled the emergency cord for the nurse. Ive never seen people move so fast! My bed was wheeled down to labor hall before I could even think about what was going on! Once again a crisis...once again Tara & Rheannon had to witness it. I just remember the girls following behind my bed with Skip and they were both crying. My situation was grave. I was only 22 weeks along. That meant if I was going into labor then none of the babies would survive. The doctors quickly found what they thought the source of the bleeding. Ian, Christian and Taylor were all now pushing on Saiges lifeless body. Saige was being compressed. This was also a dangerous situation because Saige is big enough now that my body can not just break her down and reabsorb her as it had done for the babies I miscarried earlier in the pregnancy. My body now sees her as a foreign object and wanted to expel that object. I could have easily become septic possibly killing the other babies as well as myself. My perinatologist stayed with me all night to try to get the situation under control. That next morning he did a scan to make sure the other three babies were still o.k. Low and behold that morning Ian was in a good position and the doctor could clearly see that Ian did indeed have the congenital heart defect they had feared. He did have transposition of the great arteries. This was when I hit rock bottom. I felt as though I was trapped in this horrible nightmare and it kept unfolding and kept getting worse. When would it end? One of the NICU doctors came over to speak to us regarding the new situation with Ian. These were the same doctors who had cared for Rheannon & Tara 7 years earlier. I trusted and respected them. The neonatologist looked at Skip and I that day and said Quite frankly...I wouldnt hold out any hope for this baby either. He explained that Ian had many odds against him...he was a boy. Premature boys lungs are even less developed than girls of the same gestational age. Couple lung issues with a major heart defect and you are facing a deadly combination. My emotional state was now beyond frail. For two days Skip could not leave my side. I cried non stop. I cried for Saige who would never take her first breath. I cried for Ian and Taylor and for the unfairness of their birth defects. I cried for the uncertainty of their futures. I cried for Christian...wondering what on earth they would tell me was wrong with him now. Have they missed something for him? I cried over the life and death decisions we might have to make for our children. No parent should face that. The doctors assured us that they would help us with all decisions we might encounter. There were so many unknowns. Things felt to me as if they were spinning hopelessly out of control. I tried to pray. Most days I could not. I felt that God had forsaken me. Why was He doing this to me, to my children, to our family??? My emotions were getting the best of me. In the depths of my heart I knew God loved me and He was right there walking with me through the trial. I kept trying to remind myself of His word...I will work all things together for good. Then my emotions would cry out...what good could come of this??? As I look back, it was a time of great growth in my walk with the Lord. Sometimes you have to get through to the other side to realize it though. Even though my faith was at times weak...Gods faith in me was strong. He enabled me to get through the darkest of days. Throughout the journey He had me cradled in His loving embrace. He has made me a stronger person. God Bless. Chrissie -RPB Cassey
Posted on: Wed, 30 Oct 2013 02:52:33 +0000
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