People who dont suffer depression generally dont understand depression. The platitudes they offer range from Cheer up! or What do you have to be sad about? or even Why didnt you call me if you felt so badly? Depression is like a hole that envelopes you. You dont fall into it...it falls into you. There may be an apparent reason precipitating it......but oftentimes, there isnt. Its just there. That is why depression is so insidious. If something were on fire, putting out the fire would remove the problem. With depression, there is no fire, nothing to put out. And, unlike a rash or other physical ailment, nothing is visible to those around us. Nothing that screams out help me! Once enveloped, trying to rise above it is futile. Its like being suffocated. Reaching out for help is nearly impossible. I was diagnosed Bipolar II the age of 41. Although I dont like carrying the diagnosis, at least my life finally made sense. I was married to a man who was painfully unilateral in his moods. And me? Up until that point, I had been frightfully unstable with moods that were all over the map. Medication can help stabilize a bipolar but I wasnt diagnosed until just before getting divorced. Medication, although helpful, severely dulls the senses. Being on medication was like trying to write with a blunt pencil. It caused me to lose my edge. I just cant take the medication. In order to be the best that I can be, I do not take medication. But, it means having to put up with my own unpredictability and the instability of who I am. It means knowing the triggers that affect me and doing my best to avoid them. Crowds, noise, stress and feeling trapped. I can easily identify when I fall into a depression. I dont recognize the mania however. Feedback from those around me is what clues me in that Ive entered mania and need to remove myself to a place of solitude. Mental illness is a disease just like a physical disease. The tragic suicide of Robin Williams helped bring the disorder to national attention. There are many of us who deal with it on a daily basis. This past week has really been a challenge. I have developed my own strategies to deal with it, depending on how bad it gets. Im not sure why I felt led to write about this today since it is so personal but I trust my heart to know what I need to write about and share.
Posted on: Mon, 27 Oct 2014 22:38:29 +0000