Perfectionism: The Ultimate Crutch As a recovering perfectionist Ive learned a lot about the damage perfectionism does to relationships and self-esteem. Culture constantly bombards us with images of the perfect body, marriage, entree, house, car, vacation, children and holiday...NONE of which are attainable, perhaps not even desirable. We expend extra effort, extra work, and extra hours to say or do just the right thing to please God, ourselves and others. Ive found that to be a surefire way to drive a dagger into a happy heart--yours and someone elses. So it was a good day when I decided to just be a good version of me, not a perfect one. I sensed a smile from my heavenly Father too...AND from those closest to me. I came down from the Cross as well; I figured the world only needed ONE Savior. Lifes been better since. Birds seems to sing more beautifully, breezes seem gentler, people are funnier, drivings more enjoyable, politics seem less crucial, and my previous obsession with setting the whole world straight has diminished markedly as being right gradually lost its lustre. Seems that perfectionism destroys most everything--especially initiative, relationships and happiness. It also fosters codependency and leads to a rules-dominated life. Not a pretty picture. Looking back on my addiction, I notice a key factor that was causative: I wasnt validated much as a kid. Children who arent validated often grow up and enter the helping professions--pastors, counselors, nurses, etc. Not a bad thing, unless we expect our CAREERS to validate us, which Ive learned is a dead-end street. Gods unconditional love is what validates me these days. My job is what I do, not what I am. Heres a quick summary of steps I took to exit the perfectionism squirrel cage: 1. I admitted I had a problem. We cant get to where we need to be, until we know where we are. We only experience healing in our lives to the degree that were aware of our need for it. 2. I lowered my expectations of others. When I decided that others dont have to be perfect, I was able to grant myself the same blessing. Quit demanding that others meet your lofty expectations. Perfect people dont exist. Stop trying to find them. It messes with your mind. It creates a lot of anger too. 3. I accepted the reality that I matter to God and NOTHING in all the universe can change that. The most contented people I know realize that God deeply and unswervingly loves them, and they matter to Him. The resulting contentment deals a death blow to perfectionism. 4. I chose an others-focused life. Some people seem to think that happiness is attained by sitting on a hill beneath a tree somewhere, strumming a guitar, and contemplating ones navel. Not so. Better to forget ourselves altogether and focus on others. A simple thing Ive learned is that if I make up my mind to be kind to at least three people everyday before ten oclock, the rest of the day usually goes along quite swimmingly. There was a time when I looked at others and saw nothing but blemishes. Blemishes everywhere...head to toe. Then I decided to love more and judge less, and I learned something I hadnt known before--that what Id thought were blemishes--were actually scars. Big difference. Perspective changes a lot. Most of all...it changes you. I love the writings of Hugh Prather. This piece comes to mind. It kinda deals a death blow to the plague of perfectionism: If I had ONLY forgotten future greatness, and looked at the green things, and reached out to those around me, and smelled the air. and ignored all the forms and self-styled obligations, and heard the rain on my roof, and put my arms around my wife. Perhaps...its not too late. Indeed. Its never too late friend, to get healthy and whole...never. Kiss perfectionism goodbye. Its nothing but a crutch. Youll be pleasantly surprised at how remarkably well you can move along without it.
Posted on: Sat, 08 Nov 2014 16:18:24 +0000
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