Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you. Spending the rest of my life trying to find someone I love as much as my bed If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around. Bed. You’re either there or you wish you were there. I never fell in love before, but I did step in it. It’s hard to wash off. According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues. There is no angry way to say ‘bubbles.’ If I’m ever on life support unplug me and then plug me back in again and see if that works. I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers. My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle. My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon… You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re. Two things I hate: 1) People who form negative opinions of celebrities based only on what they see or hear on TV. 2) Justin Bieber. The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I’m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don’t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn’t sign up for the position. I appreciate the transparency that the Domino’s pizza tracker provides, but updates like “Carl dropped your pizza” and “5 second rule” are a bit much. At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald? How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment? You know you’re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous. If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like. I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored. There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
Posted on: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 20:00:01 +0000
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