Poor Richards All-Maniac Harboneium 9/19/14 3:33 P.M. Ive always liked eating. Ive been eating since the very beginning. I think its a natural instinct to like eating, but then again, if you dont eat, you die. Jury is still out on this one, but I can tell you that I like eating, despite the stuff I stuff down my neck for the vast majority of my meals, cold hotdogs, almost mostly-cooked TV dinners, oh wait, theyre frozen entrees now, arent they. Ill eat two or three in one sitting because I can, and because Ive got the munchies pretty bad. I like eating fine food. I dont do it often, maybe at Skippys once a week. I admire cheese when I go to Sams Club or Safeway with Skips, she needs buns, needs a roasted chicken, dog food, whatever. I admire the cheese, Irish cheese, English cheese, any kind of cheese except the ones I have tried already. Goat cheese tastes off to me, gamey even. I like smoked cheese, gouda, cheddar, muenster, anything smoked. Got a wedge of 60% Brie from the food pantry and threw it away when I saw the 60% thing. I dont know why. I think it pissed me off. I admire steaks I cant buy. I admire jars of honey with the honey comb in there. I admire the tiny boxes of cereal at the health food store, tiny boxes, large price. I vow to shop at Sams Club and the health food store one day, shop til me and three friends drop, cartload after cartload and I have to rent a freezer because of all the ice cream. Poverty is my secret. Poverty keeps me thin and agile. If I were a richer man, I would in short order be a very fat man because I want to try so many different food things. I watched one too many cooking shows, I guess, one too many travel shows. I want to try the foods, the zip lines, I pine for the fijords, and the majesty of colorful active bright foreign climes. It all started when I was a kid, too young for school, but not necessarily too cool for it, late 60s. I liked Graham Kere (pronounced Care), if I spelled it right, I liked the Galloping Gourmet. I think thats where I found out I was an Anglophile. Of course, at the same time, I watched Jack LaLaine. He had a big white German shepherd named Happy. Everything was black and white on TV. Color TV, when it hit the ranch, it was a wonderful thing. TV at night and the whole family crowded around watching I Dream of Genie, or Andy Griffith, Family Affair, Be Witched, finally some color. We popped popcorn and ate pretzel sticks. In Winter, we drank hot chocolate and cracked nuts. My brother Davey asks me if I want a nutcracker. I says yes, so he kicks me in the crotch and says Theres your nutcracker! I like cooking, no. I only think of the dishes. What I said was I like eating. Try and keep up. I cook regular-looking meals about once a week, if that. But alas, anon, anon, the meals but look normal. What they taste like I cannot share in good conscience and with respect to proper decorum. I like my moms cooking, memories of such. I like restaurant grub most of the time, but I like going to restaurants as a treat. I am tired of other people paying or loaning me the money so I have to give them a ton of cash on payday. I think about making the diner down the hill a once or twice a week kind of biscuits and gravy morning hangout, but I never remember that while Im at Walmarts buying socks and a new wallet, eyeing the watches, eyeing high school girls, drooling, needing to get that beer and get home. I like sandwiches. I eat enough of them and I make such a fuss whenever a guy in a TV commercial pronounces the word incorrectly. I am tired of writing about it, but when I went to school, people had to speak proper English, no dropping Gs, no double negatives, the whole nine yards, and now people speak like tourists from another planet, trying to speak the Kings English and failing miserably. It makes me write bad e-mails to Burger King and Wendys about the words sanwich and samwich. I enjoy other peoples cooking, except when the leftovers are more than one day old, two if its something good, ribs or chicken wings. Skippy cooks quite a bit, but I dont want to eat there more than once a week, or else I risk that feeling of dependency, of having to think of things to fix, or paint in order to pay her back, or else one day she will mention all those free meals and her tone wont be kind. Been there and done that plenty of times in the past. John Elliott would cook and buy beer and I was the guest who never had to return the favor. Nobody ever wants to go to my house, so why should I cook or worry about food? They invite me. But its never that simple, as yours truly has found out. I like grilling meat. I have two charcoal grills and plenty of charcoal, all of it from yard sale-ing with Skippy. Preparing the meat, sometimes you boil brauts first, or you put the ribs in water and bake them an hour first, I dont do that. I knows better, but I take far too many shortcuts in the preparation of my grub. I can cook beans well and have gotten to appreciate a good smoked neck bone, or ham hock. I recently made great northern beans and found them to be so much better than pinto beans, which are all they give you at the food pantry. I have ten pounds of them. I dont do Spam, not since the internet gave it such a bad wrap. Spam is cooked inside the can, yuck! It didnt help when Monty Python did that play where people eat Spam in the time of King Arthur, I think. Its called Spam-A-Lot. I like breakfast sausage, even if its nothing but a big white glob of fat and spices. I like butter in my cooking. Real butter makes cookies taste way better than fake butter. I like angus beef, but you dont see me buying more than three pounds at a time because its $4.99 a pound when its not on sale. Mostly, I eat a lot of strawberry Twizzlers and drink gallons of iced tea. Youd think all that tea would wash the reefer out of my system, but it dont. Skippy gave me a random drug test. They do that now. Weird, but I peed in a cup and came out with only one red line, meaning I was full of reefer ingredients. I like fresh fruit. I usually buy bananas and grapes, sometimes apples or cherries. I am tempted to buy blackberries because I used to pick them as a kid, tons of them, free as free can be they was, too. I wonder if they taste the same as I remember? At $3.99 for half a pound, I will find out in the future, take a trip somewhere with a forest and wild blackberries, and Ill eat nothing but blackberries until I puke. Then I will be on to the next thing, kiwis, strawberries, I dont know. I want to buy everything. I would like to live in a grocery store. Some kid lived in Walmarts for a year down there to Florida. He wore diapers so he could stay hidden at night and not trip the alarm. I want to live in a grocery store, own it, live in it at night, big honking super store, live in it at night and eat whatever the hell I want. Id rather not have to open the doors to other people, but I could never eat through all the ham and the meat before it stunk up the place. Got a whole isle of Glade air fresheners and Airwick, cheap incense, stinky candles, but even that can only do so much. Not to mention the spoiled milk and cottage cheese. I think it would have to be a real store, but no night stockers allowed, just me and my bathrobe working on a six pack or two, eating deli meat, whatever man, just like the Dude. I appreciate food right now. Earlier, I appreciated my comfort critters in song. The overall point now is I am appreciative of life right now, and it feels pretty durn good. I cannot always do it, sometimes I just cant. I hate those times. Those are the times I bite peoples heads off like Ozzy did with a bat somebody tossed on stage. People are revolted. That is my point. I am appreciative of the times in which I feel good things, feel connected and stoned. I dont mind sharing. I like my cats. I like eating. When I have the munchies real bad, I like to make big bowls of cereal. For me, family-size means three bowls. I like cooking good tasting things, cheesecake, cookies from scratch, everything from scratch, even bread, if you call using a bread machine from scratch. If its got sugar in it, I might have a recipe for it and if I dont, good old Skippy has over 1000 cookbooks. There are online recipe sites too. You never know. Ive been meaning to make fry bread for months and years. I can use the Crisco my brother left me before he moved. I can use that. I dont have to buy Snocap lard and do it Navajo. Last time I checked, my cholesterol was not exactly low. Not too high from what I remember, but there was room for improvement. However, this is some years ago and I still eat a lot of fat. I made them northern beans with ham hocks and I ended up with bones and skin and big blobs of fat, little bits of hammy stuff. I ate most all of it. It didnt bother me about the ice on top, that coagulated layer of fat like ice on a lake, bad, very bad, I can feel my arteries hardening right now. https://youtube/watch?v=_Aud7AwGGb4 sorry about the popups
Posted on: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 21:33:55 +0000
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