Posting in a delirium...surely inadvisable, but preferable to drunk posting, Im sure. Emily has yet to sleep tonight. She has lost her entire mind. She has not been sleeping through the night for weeks now, ever since we stopped swaddling her and switched from bassinet to crib. Im really exhausted. But Im in a particularly sad mood today, my thoughts very centered on Sadie. I had a drs appointment this morning, and it just reminded me of going to that drs office (not my ob) a few weeks after Sadie died because I was having lots of panic issues and my face had started oddly twitching a lot...turned out to be the result, not surprisingly, of stress and insomnia, and I left with another RX for Xanax. Xanax never really helped me with my grief, with the exception of making it possible to generally get through a few hours of teaching without having a nervous breakdown in front of my students, but it was really still just like holding my breath until I could unravel in my car again. I rarely even made it a few feet out the door of a school before tears were steaming down my face...Id rush to my car and scream, almost without exception. It was very hard to get through those days, and I needed those breakdowns. Im realizing that I miss them now, and Im a bit backed up...because Im very consumed with taking care of Emily. I dont want to break down with her regularly. Of course, Sadie is still omnipresent in my mind, and many times each day, tears begin to form in my eyes as I think of her. I see pictures of little girls born around the time she was...I see Emily...I stare at Sadies pictures in our family room -- but I have gotten used to blinking away the tears, or at least keeping them to a minimum, rarely letting a sob break through. I still feel my myself wincing in pain when its another 19th, or when I see 4:01 on the clock, especially on Tuesdays. But where am I going with this....bear with my stream of conscious babbling if youre still reading! Well, Dave offered to take care of Emily today so I could nap for a couple hours, knowing Ive gotten next to no sleep for several days. I came upstairs, and I was almost immediately struck with grief as fresh and visceral as it was in the summer of 2012...I think I have needed an outburst, a meltdown -- maybe since Emily was born. Ive been so vigilant to listen to her falling asleep, breathing, as I fall asleep each night (because shes still in our bedroom), that I havent even had the chance to let myself go for a long time. So....I had my break, but I couldnt quell it to take a nap...I couldnt close my eyes without seeing the worst moments cycle through my mind -- Sadie in a casket, Dave and I smoothing the dirt over her grave after everyone left the burial...the scream of knowing I was about to deliver a baby I would never bring home...the desperation of wanting to not let her be taken away for the autopsy the next day --- oh, its all so awful I cant even believe its real sometimes. And so, I went downstairs after about 45 minutes of feeble attempts at shutting my mind off, and Dave looked at me, and I broke down crying again, even though I had oddly decided I would just say I couldnt sleep, without explanation. He knows me better than that, and he understood. But back to the present....its 5:30am, and Emilys still awake, nursing, and Im soooo tired! But I hope that I just got that out so that I can maybe get a real nap today with a clearer head! I could just journal, rather than post something long and sad here, but I have quite a few friends on fb that can relate, and are feeling their own grief, in various stages and forms, and sometimes I think its like an act of solidarity to just kind of say it out loud. So....Sadie, Sadie, Sadie!!!! Mommy loves and misses you with everything she is. ❤️👼❤️
Posted on: Sat, 08 Mar 2014 10:39:58 +0000
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