RESISTANCE. A funny little thing that I have completely allowed myself to live in for the last couple of weeks….here are some examples: I don’t want to eat better and take care of my temple (body), but I want to feel better; I don’t want to quit this coffee/caffeine addiction, but I want to be emotionally stable so I can deal with life; I don’t want to be uncomfortable and teach differently than I normally teach, yet I want to expand into leading people differently than I do now; I don’t want to be so eff-ing busy, yet I continue to be unable to say NO to people or ask for help. I wholeheartedly believe that resistance is only met with resistance, yet here I sit in resistance – fully conscious of my choices – and pissed about them. It takes me back to all of my resistance to The Alisa K Turning Point Retreat and the work it took to let go of control to just be able to attend. I had so much resistance to just go, I mean, I wanted to go, but why wouldnt they tell me what we would do, what to expect, why couldnt we know what was going on, what the arrangements were going to be. I NEEDED TO KNOW…..and what do you mean I won’t get a packing list until the week before the trip. And not to mention TOTAL resistance to the investment in myself. TOTAL. The resistance I had with regard to The Turning Point retreat was almost unbearable. A majority of my retreat sisters were Turning Point grads and they all knew what to expect and THAT was absolutely horrible for me. TRUST was what everyone kept telling me. It got to the point wherein the word Trust just pissed me off. (Resistance meeting Resistance with Resistance). There are so many stories of disappointment on my journey to the retreat where things didnt go “my” way, i.e. something got cancelled that I KNEW would make a huge shift in me (so I would be “ready” for the retreat), a gathering would be scheduled to connect with fellow retreat goers (ohh…possible inside information) and I can’t make it or it got cancelled. There came a point wherein I just had to give up………and TRUST (although I didnt call it that – because I was still pissed that I didnt know what to expect). I remembered that my pissed-ness simply just turned into “meh”…sort of a who cares attitude….and then there was this delicious sense of freedom or liberation of the “need to know”. WOWSERS. How did that happen. Did I just “let go” ??? Does letting go feel FREE and LIBERATING. Holy Buckets. For me, it was the most beautiful surprise. I indeed, still secretly wanted to know – but I didnt seem to care anymore that I didnt know, nor was I ever going to, until I experienced it. The full-circle beauty was that had I known everything going into it that I had wanted to know, my entire experience would have been tainted. THEY WERE RIGHT (gasp....). I guess they do know what they are doing….LOL. No need for me to tell them how to run their retreat (big thing for me….she who likes control and all ;) ). Soooooooooooooooooooo…………I am sharing this because I am coming up on my one-year commitment to fall in love with myself and learn the art of receiving….to learn to let go and surrender (opposite of control) (the time in which I started my Turning Point journey). I find myself EXACTLY back in the space I was one-year ago: OVER-COMMITTED and feeling like life would be easier by running around poking scissors into my eyes. WOW. What is THAT????????? Have I really made no progress, no improvements?? Hell no. I have shifted and moved and shaked and changed and rocked and rolled so eff-ing much in the last year that these next 6 weeks will bring me full circle to my commitment. I believe the test is now….I unconsciously placed myself back in this position as a test to push through, to realize my accomplishments, to realize the love I have for myself – THE DIVINE – is beyond words. The desire is flow, let go and ALLOW. . . TO NOT CONTROL and to just live in ALLOW. Perhaps I will choose to get pissed and desire to poke my eyes out along the way, but the sweet serenity of letting go on this last little part of this journey is upon the horizon. My choice. Always my choice. I love myself unconditionally, I do not need to be in control and I will surrender into the most delicious one-year celebration of ME. How much freedom and liberation would I like to feel? How much pleasure am I willing to receive??
Posted on: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 21:48:18 +0000