Random Friday PSA: Things you shouldnt say to someone getting divorced. Its been a couple years since everything fell apart, so I wanted to share a couple things I experienced. These are things I probably wouldnt have known, either, since none of my close friends had gone through it. People want to reach out and offer comfort or commiseration, and while the sentiment is very appreciated, sometimes the actual message is not. If you have a loved one going through this, you might want to read on. (And feel free to add to the list, divorced friends.) 1) Well at least you got some great kids out of the deal. Do I love my kids and think theyre awesome? Duh. Do I regret having them? Not a chance. But I wouldve had amazing children no matter who fathered them. And I would have loved them with the exact same intensity. The only difference is that I couldve built a family with someone who was actually committed to it. This train of thought reminds me that children of divorced parents are statistically disadvantaged on multiple levels (including lower success rates in education, careers, relationships, and general satisfaction with their own lives) and I really screwed them over by not choosing a better mate. So this at least you have kids thing is not a consolation. It just rubs in my failure. 2) I always thought you could do better anyway. This sounds like a compliment, and on the surface level its a nice way of showing whose team youre on. But youre also sort of saying, For the last ______ years, Ive been thinking poorly of your partner. That does not feel awesome because I genuinely loved that person, and my marriage and family were a part of what defined me. You cant really insult half a partnership without insulting the whole thing. Remember, Im the one who happily said I do. 3. My marriage is in trouble, too, and heres why. For some reason, people want to reach out to others who are going through divorce by complaining about their own marriage. I assume its because they think we can relate. But every time someone confided their marriage problems in me, I wanted to throat punch them. If youre still married, if no one has left and started a new relationship, you can fix that. Even THEN, maybe you can fix it. Know how? By talking to your spouse, NOT ME. Or talk to a professional marriage counsellor if its gotten too hard to talk to your partner. I dont want to hear about it because it reminds me of my own heartbreaking journey (and newsflash: divorce really hurts even if youre the one who left) and it makes me angry that youre wasting an opportunity to fix your relationship by talking to the wrong person. If you made a commitment, man up and honor it. Fix it right now. I cant do that for you, and tons of relationships have been harmed further by one or more partners talking about personal things with outsiders (who often become unhealthy emotional surrogates for the other partner). And if youre fishing for me to say, Oh, times are tough? Who cares about your lifetime commitment! Just bail, dude. Scrap this marriage and go get a new one....? Rage. This makes me feel rage. 4. Unsolicited Advice. No one appreciates unsolicited advice about anything, so this goes without saying. But a lot of people assume or guess whats going on during a separation/divorce, and the advice they give accordingly is infuriating and hurtful. And just because your guess is way off base, doesnt mean Im going to correct you. If I wanted to tell you my personal business and give you explanations, I wouldve already done so. A simple Im here if you need me means everything.
Posted on: Fri, 21 Nov 2014 21:54:41 +0000
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