Reading a few things put on the social medi stroke forums recently, and the lack(no ones fault) of true understanding for strokies about how stroke affects mental aspects of the person is quite evident for all to see, this is not a blame issue, as the partners carers do a fantastic job for those they love. At times, for me i think my family forget, because i look normal..ish :) and there is a lot going on in a normal life, your stroke illness.. takes a back seat because your not in hospital, your not at deaths door this minute ,your just you. In fact i do have real mental battles to continue to look.... stay this way.Because im me, im prone not to complain moan groan, i get on with it, as best i can. However, i am not the person i was before my strokes, as hard as i try, i have changed, mentally emotionally,physically. I will never ever be again the person you married, not your fault, not mine,i try so hard to be cos i liked the old Nigel, but as sad as it is, he has gone, theres a pretty decent fella who looks like old Nigel in his place, but its not Nigel. So in the whirlwind of life, if i pause the telly when you walk in the lounge, its not me having a pop implying that u disturbed my programme, its me being polite, as i cant concentrate on two things at once, and hey i chose you. If i stare at u blankly, whilst others in the room are talking, or radios are booming, its not my fault i cant take it in. I cant have the radio on in the car, not cos im a miserable old git, its because i need every ounce of concentration, to get you safely to where you need to go. If im having a good day, i may have to just turn it down from deafening..... to loud.... to enable me to concentrate my thoughts on driving the short distance req. If you talk and i dont answer, im not ignoring you im concentrating on what im doing which is obviously important, otherwise id stop and try to take in what you are saying. If i say no to lifts after x time, its for a very good reason, i hate falling asleep at the wheel, its a tad dangerous. If i tell you something 50 times i apologise, i forget, but obviously think its important enough for you to know. If i interrupt you mid speech, im not just plain rude, if its important enough to interrupt you, thats why i do so because if i wait till you have finished, i will have forgotten what it was u needed to hear. If you tell me something, and i forget, i am sorry, no one gets more frustrated about it and beats them selves up inwardly more than me. If i dont want to go to the party im not miserable, i would love to, however my head cant handle the noise, remember. If you would like me to do something to help, best ask me in the two hr window i get where i almost feel human after i wake up, as the day wares on, my brain functions diminish rapidly, and you know that right. given the stupid things i do that make you all laugh, yup i laugh to, but hey inside im crying at the bloody useless twat ive become. If i say we need to go, its because my normal body clock is on low and alarm bells are ringing, we need to go, not two hrs later when your ready. Trivial things in the grand scheme of life, trust me theres plenty more, bet strokies are nodding there heads. We know our own bodys minds best, sometimes just sometimes our loved ones do forget,lets not shoot them they are after all human, maybe write a note apologising to remind them :)
Posted on: Sun, 16 Nov 2014 17:55:02 +0000