Rich / Tylor, here I am writing to you again. It’s been so long since I hit up your wall and left you a letter, so no time like the present to do so. Months have passed since I filled you in on things going on and poured my heart out to you, so bare with me as this letter may feel like it goes on and on. My birthday just passed, it’s certainly not the same with out you here. In fact I no longer want to celebrate or let alone acknowledge my birthday on my birthday being the fact I share it with someone who is a constant reminder of what I no longer have but what she still has laughing, loving and living her life with no regrets. It’s hard to swallow that along with our shared birthdays. I know it probably sounds selfish and childish but so be it! However this year as I did last year I told people do not wish me a happy birthday or acknowledge the day but this year my request went under heard but yet touched me to my core. My facebook friends, friends, and family wrote on my wall, days prior to my birthday, day of and days after and let me tell you, having over 350 people wish you a happy birthday hits ya in the heart!! It touched me to know that people took the time out to wish me a happy birthday and made me realize my day should be my day, regardless. Love doesn’t die, even though physically you were not here with me I know you were in spirit and I know that was you standing behind me in the kitchen at work the day of my birthday. Now I do have to brag to you my birthday gifts, I got a beautiful watch from your dad. Yep you and him both watch addicted and now he is trying to addicted the rest of us. I also got money from Nan, a purse from Fran. Yep Fran is still here, the one friend that stuck by me after you left. Now she picks on Ryan and Randy the way she did to you. She loves you guys as her own and I know to she hurts and grieves for you to this day. Now back to my gifts. I also got an ipad mini bundle package from the boys and your dad. They made sure my bundle package came in red so you were part of the gift. So all in all my birthday passed and you were still a part of it. I have to be honest with you here and it is going to sound crazy and probably make no sense but it is what it is and I just don’t know how to explain it. It feels as if it was just a few days ago that you crawled up into my bed and said…”Yo, Mom get this……..” as it feels as if it were yesterday you were ripped away from me. It’s hard to believe it is almost two years but yet feels like a life time ago that I got to hear your voice, see your smile with those deep huge dimples smiling back at me while your big brown eyes cradled in those long beautiful eye lashes suck me in and I find it hard to look away. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t long to have that again. An hour doesn’t go by that I don’t think about you and wish you were here. Everyday I am reminded of what is missing from my life and our family when I look at your urn sitting on the table surrounded by all your pictures of times long gone. Around your table I have clear holiday lights laid all around it, so when the sun begins to set, I plug them in and tell you to shine bright and shine down on us. When the lights are on your table for me just seems to glow as if you are truly there, your urn shines and your pictures sparkle making your pictures pop and come to life in a sense. Not a day goes by that I don’t talk to you or admire you through your table, but it breaks my heart to know it shouldn’t have ended the way it did. You should still be here with me, with your brothers, with your dad and with your family and loved ones, because we would have done anything to make you see even though love hurts, the love of family and friends is unbreakable and can help you make it through the most difficult times. I understand your pain, your stress was just to much for you to bare but now we get to live with the burden of our pain and our grief. Our hearts ache for you Tylor, I wish you would have thought about all of us who love you and would have done anything to help you heal. Now we live with our grief until the day comes when we get to meet again. Speaking of grief, I have to share a pet peeve with you. As I said above I grieve for you everyday, everyday my heart weeps for you and longs to be able to hold you one more time. This is a normal reaction to a parent who loses a child. BUT I don’t think may people get that not! Do you believe I have heard comments such as, well at least you have had a year to grieve. At least you have other children. Time to get over it and move on. PFT! Bite me is what goes through my head but my grief is my grief and I just let their comments slide and fall upon deaf ears and a heart filled with compassion silently hoping and wishing they never have to lose a child or a loved one . It is because of the reaction I received to your passing, the lack of understanding and compassion, the loss of friend’s and people and the lack of support I felt after you left us is just another reason why we started the T. Holmes Foundation. I’m sure your aware of the foundation we started in your honor and I hope you are somewhat proud of the work we do to help others. Our goal is to spread not only suicide awareness and prevention but also understanding and compassion for those suffering and those left behind. I would have never thought suicide would touch me and impact my life as it has but it has and because of that I feel I have to do something to help someone else to make a different choice as well as helping those who lost a loved one to suicide. We go into schools and share your story, share our story of the life after the loss of a loved one to suicide and we share facts, myths and now we have someone who speaks on bullying and cutting. Your story, the foundation has made it into the newspaper, an online blog and an online magazine. We have an event going now Tylor’s Continued Journey where people have accepted a photo of you into their hearts and homes and share their world with you while they share your story and help us to change the stigma that is attached to the words suicide and mental illness. You have continue to touch others in your passing like you have when you were here. Your story not only has touched people but has helped others reach out and seek help. You continue Tylor to make a huge impact on so many lives and not just those above but with all those who have been donor recipients! We have received a few letters, 3 in fact from your donor recipients and wow all I can say is when I read them I have tears just knowing that you have helped them regain their lives and happiness and yet you get to continue on. Before I forget, Ryan is graduating May 10th from East Stroudsburg University! I have to honest it is bitter sweet. I can’t wait to see him walk down and get that degree but yet, I long for seeing you do that. Because you should have walked down last May at Kutztown! Reece is back in school this year, yep at Liberty and he is doing really good. He has a gpa of 4.02! Reece also joined the track team and is having a good time. He’s come a long way from last year, we all have but like I said not a day or hour goes by that we all don’t think about you, miss you , grieve for you and most of all love you! Life does go on, as I was told it would. But life is different now, our hearts are different, our love is different and our view on life is so different and valued more so now then before. Losing you is something none of us will get over but we do continue on living life as you requested in your note but just because we live each day, get through each day doesn’t mean we have forgotten you or lost our love for you. We all have learned how to get through the day, live life and tame our grief but this is a life I wouldn’t wish upon anyone and again why we have the T. Holmes Foundation. Which by the way, we have filed our paper work to get our 501c3! Well I see my thoughts have gone and scattered all over the place and that this is getting extremely long so let me bring this letter to a close. In closing Tylor I just want to say I miss you so much there are days when it hurts to breath but when I get like that I take that deep breath and continue you forward. My heart aches for you and longs for you but one day I know I will get to hold you in my arms again. In the mean time I carry my love and memories close to my heart and hold them extra tight when I need that comfort. I will continue to do as you asked in your note and live on but I will do so not only for me but for you. Until we meet again, feel my arms wrapping around you and squeezing you tight while I whisper ever so softly in your ear I love you Tylor! Come visit me in my dream. Love you Tywee!
Posted on: Sun, 30 Mar 2014 15:27:46 +0000
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