Right now I am waiting to go to my second interview for a position at a live in resort. It would be a magical opportunity to go to college and work on my fine art skills. The grounds are absolutely breathtaking, surrounded by golf courses, rivers, mountains and wildlife. If I stayed here, I could do yoga on the mountaintops surrounded by redwoods. I have started an online art school and downloaded programs to learn french. I am also considering joining a monastery, and forgoing the comercial world all together. I really do not want to contribute to the problems brought on by this modern commercial world.It is mans greed and lust and desire for comfort that has brought the world to its current state. The question is, what about retirement? What about having the money to do what you like? Go where you like, live how you like. I dont quite know what I was thinking leaving Austin. Everything was so easy. Everything was handed to me. I was so miserable. The debutant inside of me is screaming in outrage at the thought of never having my nails done or allowing my face to age any faster than it absolutely has to. What is this fear of aging? Is it possible that I am terrified of what I would be without my looks? That is part of why I shaved my head, to urge myself to move past my superficial ways. I want to submerge myself in growth and evolution. I want to be more than I am. I want to be self reliant but there is something in my soul I need to ease first. What is a life if we do not live it to the fullest. Many times, my fear of the unknown and my fear to fail prevent me from truly soaring. This caos inside me, this self destructive tornado, this rage. This inability to finish things. It has to stop and it wont be fixed with pills. It is only healed through devot practice, purifying of oneself, self discipline and forgiveness. I just want to purge my broken and be whole.
Posted on: Tue, 05 Nov 2013 18:58:48 +0000
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