SANTA CLAUSE FIRED; SUSPICION FALLS UPON MRS. CLAUS NORTH POLE - TopicsExpress

SANTA CLAUSE FIRED; SUSPICION FALLS UPON MRS. CLAUS NORTH POLE (AP) It’s official, Kris Kringle, better known as Santa Claus, is out in the cold. Mrs. Kringle, or Mrs. Claus, will be delivering gifts to girls and boys around the globe on Christmas night, according to a decision handed down Thursday by the United Council of Elves, representatives of the Union of Reindeer, and with concurrence of world leaders, including the United States, England, Holland, Australia, Scotland, Russia and many more. Thorogoode Waingartengsted, chief representative of the Group, calling itself the North Pole Council, delivered the disposition for the group. “With heavy hearts, we have determined that Santa’s increasing weight, his lack of reading maps and his continued disinclination to not use the improved GPS system installed on the new, multi-million dollar sleigh, as well as the seemingly disaffection between he and the elves, have forced us to take this unprecedented step.” Ongoing investigation has shown that Santa’s weight has indeed cracked the roof’s of several ‘practice’ house’s in and around the North Pole, leaving some Inuit, or Native Alaskan’s to complain to their governor. “We can’t have that fat old guy collapsing our homes,” Irgut Singsoutloud told reporters, picking pickled herring from his teeth. “Besides, Mrs. Claus has been bringing fresh-baked cookies by every week or so.” When the Council was questioned about this seemingly abuse of power Waingartengsted brushed it aside. “Mrs. Claus has to visit these people,” he stated. “Without their approval Santa can’t practice touch-and-go landings.” Some elves were not satisfied with the Council’s decision. They pointed out to the Council that Mrs. Claus, or somebody was taking the reindeer extra food, and had been squiring Rudolf to various drinking establishments to increase the ‘redness’ of his nose. Jamie Spokenshave. a spokesman for Mrs. Clause denied the accusations. “Mrs. Claus has nothing but the utmost respect for her husband, and would do nothing to bring any blot on his record,” Spokenshave said. When asked whether reindeer assigned to sleigh-pulling duties were given extra food, Spokenshave denied that, also. “You may weight each of them if you want. They all weight the maximum that is allowed by the Council’s guidelines.” Records obtained the Associated Press were inconsistent and several months’ worth of records were missing. A Reindeer Elf, reached at the North Pole Stables, refused comment. She referred reporters to Spokenshave. “Youf gjut talken to dem,” the elf said. The elf refused to give her name. Three separate bakeries, in Russia, the Netherlands and the United States have stated they were given contracts to provide ‘Klaus Kookies’, a special recipe that was delivered via Face Book private message to the individual bakeries. Spokesmen from Russia’s bakeries, citing government regulations, refused to comment. Likewise, bakers from the United States bakery refused to confirm or deny whether they were providing the cookies. Knonig de Queljoeoften of Sansfiordgen, Holland, said his company was filling orders from the North Pole, as well as from many other places. “We are internationally known,” Queljoeoften said. “We would of course, provide cookies to interstellar customers were we to know of any.” Santa Claus has one week to appeal the decision. It is not known to whom the appeal would be filed.