SCREENPLAY TITLE BABY FACTORY by David Mathias EXT. OUTSIDE DNA ALCHEMY OFFICES - DAY The DNA ALCHEMY corporate office looms behind a large, uninteresting sign which reads: DNA ALCHEMY. CREATING FAMILIES SINCE 2004. INT. DR. SALADS OFFICE - DAY DR. SALAD, early 40s and wearing a spotless white lab coat sits behind his desk. His bubbly energy infects MR. and MRS. WHITE, 30s, sitting primly on the opposite side of the desk. DR. SALAD So Mr. and Mrs. White, youre interested in a baby! MR. WHITE Yes, Doctor Salad. MRS. WHITE Its about all we can think about! DR. SALAD I completely understand, Mrs. White. So many of our clients love babies, want babies, can only think about babies, if you catch my meaning. MRS. WHITE I dont think I do... DR. SALAD We have so many glum, droopy, infertile couples come through these doors, yearning for a little bundle of joy to call their own. Theyve given up hope ever ever planting the seed of life, but we pick them up, dust them off, and through the miracle of science, a life is created. MRS. WHITE Oh, its so exciting! DR. SALAD Yes, isnt it? So first order of business, a small questionnaire. He slaps down a telephone book size questionnaire. Mrs. White notices his rubber gloves. DR. SALAD (contd) I find it best to work from general to specific, dont you? MR. WHITE I suppose... DR. SALAD You would like a healthy baby? MRS. WHITE Yes, of course. Doesnt everybody? DR. SALAD Usually, but I have to ask. Some parents find some minor genetic defect keeps the child dependent upon them. (making quotation marks with his fingers on the word healthy--this is a character trait that HE employs throughout the play) Im not saying its necessarily a healthy way to go... MRS. WHITE Oh my! DR. SALAD Male or female? MR. WHITE Wed like a... MRS. WHITE ...a little girl! MR. WHITE Yes, a little girl...is that a general question? DR. SALAD Oh, it gets much more specific. Beautiful or ugly? Or somewhere in between? MR. WHITE You can guarantee her looks? DR. SALAD To an extent yes. We work with the what you give us. We filter elements of your DNA. We purify it to its essence. Have you ever noticed ugly people with a beautiful baby? MR. WHITE Uh...I think... DR. SALAD Of course you have! Even ugly people can get lucky! But we here at DNA Alchemy take out the element of luck. If you want a beautiful baby, we find the DNA in your own make up that will best make that happen. Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but for Caucasians, such as yourselves, we rely on the the Greek models to inform our beauty gage. MRS. WHITE I...I want a beautiful baby...dont you, Honey? MR. WHITE Yes, well, Id say so, yes, lets. DR. SALAD Excellent! A babe of a baby it is. As Im sure you can imagine, that is the most common response. So female beauty in the Greek model. Now Mrs. White, I notice that youre rather flat chested. MR. WHITE I say...! DR. SALAD Do you want some genetic enhancement for your baby in that area? MRS. WHITE On a baby? DR. SALAD Well, every good baby grows up! And here at DNA Alchemy we dont just reflect on the infant life, but the whole life. But I digress. Your chest just struck me for a moment, but that is a more specific issue, and we are on the general... tall/short? MRS. WHITE Uh, tall? MR. WHITE Tall, yes, tall. Thats nice. MRS. WHITE Five ten. MR. WHITE Five ten? Well, Honey, Im sure they cant... DR. SALAD Actually, we can. Five ten it is. Endomorph, Ectomorph, or Morph-o-morph? MRS. WHITE Endo...what? MR. WHITE Oh thats the body type, right? DR. SALAD Yes. Many people go with the ectomorph, a more athletic type body type. MR. WHITE Oh yes, we want that! MRS. WHITE Really? Athletic, Honey? You dont want her to be more...feminine? MR. WHITE She can be a famous athlete and support us in our old age. DR. SALAD You know, and at this point in time, thats probably still true! Of course, if our technology ever became the norm, as is our hope, everybody could be an equally superior athlete. Ha ha! Fortunately for you, economics still rule who can and cant afford this technology. There is a knock at the door. DR. SALAD (contd) Yes? NURSE SLUTT (OS) Dr. Salad, your tea. DR. SALAD Tea? Already? Oh, very well, but its quite vexing. NURSE SLUTT opens the door for DR. SALAD 2 who carries the tea tray. She leaves, closing the door behind her. Dr. Salad 2 is an exact doppelganger for Dr. Salad, except Dr. Salad 2 is terribly deformed. His genital area is of particular notice with its swollen appearance. And to make matters even more distressing, Dr. Salad 2 seems not quite right in the head. HE limps in with the tea tray threatening to let it crash at every step. DR. SALAD (contd) COME IN, DR. SALAD! MRS. WHITE But...I thought you were Dr. Salad...oh my! DR. SALAD (whispering) Yes, yes, thats right. I am Dr. Salad, but he wants to be just like me, and it doesnt do any harm to humor him, eh? Hes a good goose. (shouting) VERY GOOD, DR. SALAD! JUST SET THAT DOWN RIGHT HERE! (normal voice, innocently) Tea? MR. WHITE Oh, I dont think... MRS. WHITE Not for me... DR. SALAD (shouting) THIS IS MY SON! (aside, to the Whites) Well, sort of. Hes a miracle of modern science, dont you think? MRS. WHITE Yes, he...hes... MR. WHITE What? DR. SALAD Anybody can clone a sheep, eh? Doesnt he look just like me? OKAY, DR. SALAD. THATS QUITE ENOUGH! DR. SALAD 2 (with a strong speech impediment) Sthing...sthing a sthong. DR. SALAD NO! NOT TODAY! TIMES UP, DR. SALAD! IVE GOT TO PLAN A BABY! DR. SALAD 2 Sthing a sthong! Sthing a sthong! DR. SALAD NOOOOO! (then instantly changing his tune) Oh, very well. (aside to the Whites) Hell never let it go otherwise. (back to Dr. Salad 2) WHAT SHALL WE SING? HMMMM? OH, I KNOW! He begins a little song and dance which are quite obviously made up completely off the top of this head. DR. SALAD (contd) I got my top hat... I got my cane... And Im all dressed up... In a tuxedo... Dancin, dancin, dancin Come on everybody... He taps for a bit. It is obvious that this is completely made up as well, but further, that he hasnt the faintest idea how to tap dance. Dr. Salad 2 follows along, choking up a giddy, bizarre chortle. DR. SALAD (contd) OKAY, OKAY, THATS QUITE ENOUGH! LOTS OF WORK TO DO! The door swings open urgently. NURSE SLUTT Dr. Salad? DR. SALAD Nurse Slutt! Im in a meeting! NURSE SLUTT Yes, I know Dr. Salad, but... She crosses quickly to him and whispers in his ear. DR. SALAD The deuce you say! Where are his restraints? She whispers again in his ear. Dr. Salad looks concerned, looks over to the Whites, then puts on a fake smile. DR. SALAD (contd) Excuse me for one moment, Mr. White, Mrs. White. Little family emergency. Dr. Salad, get them some tea, man! DR. SALAD 2 Huh? DR. SALAD SOME TEA! SOME TEA! Dr. Salad leaves with the nurse. MRS. WHITE (quietly, to the air) But I dont want any tea. Dr. Salad 2, proud as punch, gives them a toothy grin, then begins to sing softly with a rasp, almost like the whole song is happening somewhere in the back of his throat DR. SALAD 2 I gok ma topf hot... I gok ma cayne... I awe dresthed uuuup... There is a mournful HOWL in the outside corridor followed by a few blood curdling screams. DR. SALAD 2 (contd) Uh oh. Bad. Dr. Salad enters, slightly flustered with a generous squirt of red liquid on his lab coat. DR. SALAD Yes, well, here I am, back again. Sorry about that. (loudly) GOODBYE, DR. SALAD. TOODLES. DR. SALAD 2 (to the Whites) Goo-bye. I wuv you. Dr. Salad 2 leaves. DR. SALAD Oh, isnt he an absolute joy? Want to adopt him? Ha! So, where were we? Ah yes, a baby! A little bundle of joy. What have we got so far...healthy--check, female--check, human--check, beautiful, tall, ectomorph--check, check, check, and some outraaaageous knockers!!! MR. WHITE Now just a moment, whats all this about human? DR. SALAD Sorry? MR. WHITE You said human--check. What does that mean, exactly? DR. SALAD Well, my dear Mr. White, you do want a human baby, dont you? MRS. WHITE Of course we do! MR. WHITE Ill handle this, dear. Now see here, Dr. Salad. I dont know what sort of place youre running here... DR. SALAD I mean I just assumed. We can mix in chimp DNA, or gorilla, for example. Its possible. Still working on cow for the Christmas rush... MR. WHITE A human! A human! A human! MRS. WHITE Dear? MR. WHITE Theres never been any question about that! What sort of freaks of nature are you spawning in this Godforsaken factory? DR. SALAD Actually, nature has very little to do with it, Mr. White. SCIENCE! (hit with an idea) Ding! That reminds me, I am required by the sturgeon general to provide a warning label, if you will, for our product. Dr. Salad goes over to a pull down chart on a stand and reveals a large poster, the first of several startling renderings of terribly deformed babies. Mr. and Mrs. White gasp in horror. MR. WHITE Good God! MRS. WHITE Oh! DR. SALAD Our product comes with a ninety-nine percent rate of full one hundred percent pure satisfaction, but I am required by law to inform you that there is a one percent margin of error in every one hundred cases, if we actually were to test one hundred cases. Dr. Salad pulls down another grotesque baby picture. Again the Whites gasp. DR. SALAD (contd) What this means to you, the layman and laywoman, pardon the double entendre, is that this science is not a perfect one, but pretty damn near close! He pulls down the final picture of a deformed baby which looks to be a mixture of cow and baby. DR. SALAD (contd) Ah yes, still working on that cow. MR. WHITE You, Doctor, are a madman! MRS. WHITE Lets just go, John. DR. SALAD Mr. White, Mrs. White. Did I tell you about our Labor Day Specials? MR. WHITE This is blasphemy! Witchcraft! You-- you--Dr. Frankenstein! DR. SALAD (on his soap box) You think you can hurt me? You think I havent heard those slings and arrows before? I am a scientist, damn you! And I am not the first of my profession to be oppressed by the superstitious and the unenlightened. What do you think they told Galileo when...that coconut fell on his head? Or when Thomas Edison discovered cheese? When Einstein discovered his theory of relatives. Witch! Heretic! Blasphemer! But did they not persevere? Did they not endure? In this great nation of ours, at this the dawn of a new scientific era, we not only have the knowledge, but the freedom to create a better world...a world of perfection born in a test tube...a world of demigods. And in this great nation of ours, if we make a few miscalculations along the way, the sacrifice is worth it for the greater good of mankind! GOD BLESS AMERICA, LAND THAT I LOOOOOVE. STAND BESIDE HER, AND GUIDE HER-- Nurse Slutt bursts in. NURSE SLUTT Dr. Salad! DR. SALAD Nurse Slutt? NURSE SLUTT The sedative has worn off! DR. SALAD Good God, man! Bring me the dart gun. Increase the dosage by fifty ccs. Dr. Salad 2 enters and runs to embrace his more comely twin. DR. SALAD 2 Daddy! MR. WHITE My God! You circus freak show! MRS. WHITE John! DR. SALAD Dont you talk about my precious boy that way...or Ill introduce you to his brother! Consoling Dr. Salad 2. DR. SALAD (contd) There, there. There, there, my good boy. (to the Whites) Perhaps youd better leave. I dont think we can help you here. MR. WHITE With pleasure. MRS. WHITE Thank you anyway-- MR. WHITE Beatrice! DR. SALAD Nurse Slutt, show these people...the door. NURSE SLUTT Doctor, no! DR. SALAD The door! NURSE SLUTT Not the door! DR. SALAD Show them...Nurse...show them...THE DOOR. MRS. WHITE We can see ourselves out... NURSE SLUTT Very well, Doctor. Nurse Slutt and the Whites exit. Nurse Slutt seems anxious about the door to come. Dr. Salad takes Dr. Salad 2 into his arms. DR. SALAD There, there, my precious boy. Its not your fault. You are not to blame. You are...beautiful. You are a child of questions and dreams and exploration. In our travels in this great journey of life, we will encounter the unenlightened, the ignorant. But we must be strong. We must educate. It is our sworn duty to show them that science must march on. Science...must...march on. FADE OUT.
Posted on: Mon, 11 Nov 2013 11:26:09 +0000