STOP ME BEFORE I WRITE AGAIN! i feel strongly, as an american, that if thousands and millions of naive, pathetic ne’er-do-well boneheads want to go to hell in an organic handmade basket, it’s their perfect right to do so. even if they are gullible, tofu-eating bimbos, i have no right to judge them. furthermore, i freely admit my own folly; to wit, if there had been anything else to do at 5 o’clock, i never would have set foot in a yoga class, and it was not my intent to sully the path of enlightenment for those weak and misguided goofballs with whom i shared this utterly pointless, meaningless experience. o, mysterious east! on the floor, beside each devotee of the inane, was a towel, a blanket, and a pink kleenex. everyone was deeply attuned to the instructor’s soothing, hypnotic voice in the darkened room. the otherworldly sounds middle-edged men make when playing racquetball were almost muffled by the carpeted peach colored walls. occasionally, soft screams issued from the shiatsu center. “hold one nostril and breathe in, then the other and breathe out.” as each cross-legged, barefoot new yorker experienced anew the unique sensation of 35 years of accumulated congestion, pollution and just plain snot, i managed to keep a straight face. right through the fish, the plow, and the warrior positions, up to and including the lamb korma. then, rolling up her towel, the teacher continued the speil in a soothing purr: “now everybody roll up your blankets”. obediently, we started rolling up the big heavy wool blankets. she gently corrected us, pointing to the towels. i couldn’t help myself, crying out for cosmic justice. “but you said blanket !!” i became completely hysterical laughing uncontrollably. i really lost it. then, a voice rang out in the darkness; a voice with a not-so-new-age-edge. “perhaps there are some people who shouldn’t be here right now.” i gave up, choosing to remove my corporeal presence from her auric plane. i never found out what the kleenex was for. i was kicked out of yoga class.
Posted on: Sat, 07 Jun 2014 18:29:08 +0000
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